Not Otherwise Specified

It's getting colder...

2009-08-31T20:09:00.002-04:00

I've been pretty busy with school and life in general. I've written more in my LiveJournal [comment with your email, and I can add you].

I'm in class right now, learning about pharmaceutical laws. Kinda boring sounding, but interesting.

Time to pay attention.

Uncomfortable

2009-08-26T16:56:00.002-04:00

I feel weird being at school.

I don't exactly like the feeling.

Today I have pharmacy class until 9:40 again. I think we're doing calculations. Great, because I didn't remember to bring my calculator.

I keep gazing off into nothing. I am catching myself.

I'm probably going to cut my hair when I get home.

My thoat burns...

2009-08-24T16:26:00.002-04:00

This is a good thing. I love spinach salads with red peppers. Yum!

Today is my first day of classes. They're night classes though, and they don't start until 5:30pm.

I'm slightly nervous. Who will I be in class with? What will my teacher be like? Can I handle the courses? Will the syllabus scare me shitless?

I guess I will find out starting at 5:30.

Well, as you may have deduced, I am back in Lynchburg. Vacation was amazingly fun. The waves were awesome. No rain all week [until the day we left, and even then, the rain didn't start until we got to Virginia]. I really miss it though. I know Hayley does too.

I hung out with Belinda yesterday and watched Madea Goes to Jail [the play version]. Hilarious. I might be hanging out with Belinda and Darryl tomorrow or Wednesday. Swim party!

I'm outside, getting back into old routines. Smoking cigarettes incessantly. Talking to strangers. I did run into Jesse though, which was AWESOME. He said he's dropping out though and going back packing in Berlin [and Europe, I am guessing]. I will miss him. In fact, I missed him this summer.

My myoclonic jerks have been giving me a difficult time lately. Down at the beach in particular, which I attribute that to my increased activity. I don't know if I've talked about myoclonic jerks before. It's kinda like hypnic jerks. Like when you're falling alseep, but then you jerk awake. Only myoclonic jerks happen anytime. I normally get appendage seizing, like my arms. If I'm laying down or sitting, I will get full body seizes. Weird, I know. Dr. Thomson says it's my medicine. I guess that's right.

I'm in the market for a new therapist. Anyone know a good therapist either in Lynchburg or Charlottesville, VA? Particularly one with experiences with eating disorders and bipolar disorder. I'm going to try and get a reference next time I see my current therapist. I did get the balls to call the nutritionist a couple weeks ago, but I still have yet to receive a call back. Very frustrating.

The college is full of young people now. I feel old. Very old. I'm only 22. What's up with this?

I spent some of my leftover vacation money on a new pair of TOMS. Excessive, perhaps? I just really love my TOMS.

I'm really starting to gather myself up again. Break ups are the worst. I feel like my heart literally aches sometimes. I know it's for the best now. I really need to spend some time on myself. By myself. Maybe it's just that I'm scared of myself. That sounds really weird, I'm sure.

I'm unimpressed by some of the people who have shown up. Rude as hell. Seriously, get over yourself. You suck.

I'm done with this, before I get even more pissed off.

Beach, cont.

2009-08-19T15:23:00.002-04:00

Dad and I are at the coffee shop, doing some business I guess. I'm on my computer and have decided to make a blog post.

My knees hurt from walking and swimming. I'm having a good time though. Hayley is spending most of her time with her parents and some with us. I'm enjoying the attention I'm getting from my parents and grandma. I really enjoy their company. It distracts me. I forgot how much my mom makes me laugh, how logical and intelligent my father is, and how wise and fun my grandma is. I'm treating this like it will be the last chance I get to learn about them.

The bugs are out full force. I'm getting bit by mosquitoes through my tshirt. Pretty bad. They also have green heads, which are these little fly looking things that bite like crazy. It is intense.

I need some Tylenol. I've been taking it since my fibro has been acting up on this trip. It's all the activity and humidity.

We went shopping today. Mom, dad, grandma, and I. It was fun. We hung out at the general store, sipped on some cokes. I forgot how good soda tastes, but it triggers gagging sometimes. It doesn't taste so good coming up. Really, some things taste tolerable, which is why you pick certain foods to eat if you're going to binge and purge.

I realized yesterday, I didn't think of purging.

This guy just had the biggest cup of coffee I have ever seen. Wow.

There is a Hanson MOE in October in DC. So going. It's too close for me not to go.

Well, I don't have much else to talk about. I will probably post again in a couple days.

At the beach

2009-08-16T10:54:00.002-04:00

So my family and I made it to the beach. It is nice and warm out, a bit humid though. Kinda buggy, but that's okay. Bug spray is your friend (unless you are Hayley, who is allergic to deet).

I'm at the coffee shop right now having a smoothie. I rode my bike here. This is wonderful.

The drive down here was crazy. My dad's directions were horrible. We got lost in Petersburg (figures, we always get lost there) and dad sent us to Plymouth instead of Manteo. Very frustrating. Cut about an hour out of our trip. But we made it, and that's all that matters.

My playlist? Lady Gaga, Radiohead, and Ani Difranco. Lady Gaga doesn't seem to fit, does it? Her music is so catchy and she's so weird. I love it.

Hayley is at the beach right now with her parents. I'm spending some quality time by myself while my mom cooks dinner. Turkey and ham, basically and Thanksgiving dinner. My mom is an overachiever.

I hear church bells.

I will probably go to the beach tomorrow. Today is my resting day. I am spending time to myself, because I think I've been around too many people lately. Makes me antsy.

I miss a certain someone.

Enough said. Time to browse the net to see what shit I can stir up on H-Net, lol.

Wow...

2009-08-12T16:33:00.003-04:00

Sadly, I have to report that I have twittered over 1,000 times. This is just plain ridiculous...

I am writing this on my new net book. It is totally sweet. I love it already. I'm glad I will have this for school.

Today has been a lazy day. I walked a little with Panda the dog, who wanted to run, and I sat out in the garage with Snowy the cat reading to him. I am not taking calls today. I need a little solitude, if you count being around animals solitude.

I have been working on a navy/grey scarf. It is turning out beautifully. I should have it done in no time, definitely before the cold comes.

Primarily reading Out. I have plenty of books to read though, yet I am rereading books. Eh, I've already been through this before.

Tomorrow I go with my Dad to WV to pick up my Grandma and Hayley. I'm actually excited about it. Road trips are nice.

I'm watching the People's Court. 'Nuff said.

Tonight I will start packing for the beach, considering Hayley is coming and I probably won't have time to pack. I'm leaving Saturday. I miss crab fried rice from the thai restaurant. Yum. I also miss surfing. I can only think of one thing that could ruin it, but I won't say it here. It would be rude.

Well, I'm going to nap.

One day closer...

2009-08-11T13:13:00.002-04:00

My cat wants food. Wet food, not dry food. She is spoiled. She keeps meowing. I know that's what she wants. I have no wet food. I have to go to the store. I can't go right now though. Car is out of order.

Mom is canning more green beans.

My hair is wet. I spent the morning in the pool and laying out in the sun. I love the sun now. I used to just take it for granted, but not anymore.

Plenty of sun coming soon. I can't wait.

I'm horribly dissatisfied with myself. These things are apparent. I am showering in the dark again. Something I haven't done in a long time.

Please, oh please.

I was going to talk about Martha Stewart, but I won't.

Day Four: No Urge

2009-08-10T17:37:00.002-04:00

I am attempting to keep myself busy with reading and cleaning. My room needs a major clean out, as does the garage and barn. So much to do before going to the beach. I will definitely need a vacation after this.

Thursday we go back up to WV to pick up my Grandma and Hayley. We were there this past weekend for the reunion, which went well [probably because the two aunts didn't show up]. Drama free, just how I like it.

I finished The Center of Winter. It was a really good book. I feel though that it ended abruptly. I would have liked to see more after that.

Now I intensively reading Out. I'm thinking of picking up Ryu Murakami's Piercing again. Don't know, don't know. Decisions. I love Ryu Murakami. If you haven't heard of him, definitely check him out. He's the Japanese Chuck Palahniuk. Seriously. Coin Locker Babies is an awesome place to start.

I bought a sweater today. It's kinda sad that I'm already planning for Autumn. I love Autumn. There's smells associated with it, feelings. I love it. I will miss the heat though, not the humidity. And I will miss the thunderstorms and heavy rain.

I called the nutritionist. She has to get back to me.

I am waiting for this week to be over already, so we can finally leave town.

Finally...

2009-08-05T13:04:00.003-04:00

I wrote a long post in Word to post here on Blogger, but Blogger isn't letting me copy and paste, so here we go again.

I talked to the doctor yesterday. He says it's time to talk to the new nutritionist. This also means I will be getting a new therapist.

This new stuff scares me.

Like I'd rather be regular old Katie, picking at her food, gobbling it down, throwing it up, dissociating myself. Yeah. Like I'd rather be that.

My Mom is in the kitchen canning green beans from our garden. The entire house smells earthy. Not in a bad way really, just kinda strange. You can smell the dirt and the beans. It's an oddly comforting smell.

I found a used copy of Radiohead's import "Airbag/How am I driving?" yesterday. I never bought it before, because every time I'd go to buy it, it would be new and kinda expensive. I have it now though. Can't say all the songs are awesome, but one of them really rocks. Really. I also bought Ani DiFranco's "So much shouting/So much laughter". It's a live album. Her live shows are totally strange. I don't know if I like it or not. At least the songs that I did like a lot were good.

My TOMS came in. They're plaid <3 TOMSshoes.

I've been reading. Same shit, different day. I am making good progress through the Center of Winter. I find Esau's character very compelling. In fact, I wished the entire book was from his point of view sometimes.

I had peach magaritas with Belinda the other day. I swear they put two shots in each glass (small glasses, I may add). Mexicans must like to get people wasted. All fine by me I guess. Afterwards we went drunk shopping. Big lol.

Today I have no plans. Well, I kinda do. I might be hanging out with Darryl and Belinda. Just waiting for the call/text. I just got out of the pool. Laying in the sun was nice.

Yuki is playing with her litter.

I dreamed about Japanese monsters lastnight. Particularly Baku. Strange. I love my strange dreams. I wish they would come out with the English translation of Gegege No Kitaro in book form. I have the pages downloaded for a couple of comics. Google if you like Japanese monsters. You will not be disappointed. Shigeru Mizuki is a wonderful artist anyway.

Well, time to do laundry.

Honestly.

2009-08-02T17:09:00.002-04:00

So I decided to invest in a cute little mini netbook for class. Should be pretty functional and will save me trips to the computer lab.

And it's purple. Would have gotten green, but purple is nice.

Last weekend was spent in WV for family reunions. We go back again this weekend for my Dad's family reunion. Should be one of the more interesting ones. I may go up there earlier in the week again to see Hayley. Don't know if that's going to work out or not.

I polished off Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for the second time. Now I am rereading The Center of Winter and Out. Not sure exactly why the book is named Out, but it is really good. Reading it a second time is nice.

I would make a more in depth serious blog post, but I just don't have my heart fully in it. I am in a swirl of emotions lately. Most of them are bad. I try and make myself happy by doing things that are familiar and safe. I want to feel safe.

Sometimes I wonder if he left me because I'm not thin enough. There. I said it. It may be a fucked up thing to say, and I doubt that's the only reason the relationship ended of course. I'm sick though. These thoughts seem so important. I keep talking to my therapist and psychiatrist. I'm making progress, they say. I just need to pull my head out of the toilet and face reality.

Reality: Everything changes.

I'm uncomfortable. I crave familiarity. That's why I watching movies and reading books that I've already seen/read before.

Food is ready. I am going to eat. Whatever happens after that will happen. I just have to gain some willpower.

Escape interrupted.

2009-07-26T15:18:00.000-04:00

Well, plans have changed. I am no longer going to Florida. My Dad has work to do at home. Must be something serious, I guess. Sucks, but at least I still have the beach trip in August.

I am at the Long's family reunion. It is my uncle's family. I'm admittedly bored. I fell rude for saying so. It is just that I am tired. I really wish I was in bed.

There's so many little kids. We had my Mom's family reunion yesterday. No kids. I like that. Am I a bad person for not liking kids? I plan to remain child free. Thank the lord for birth control.

I bought a pair of ridiculously comfortable sweat pants. I will be living in these.

To be commercialized, I would like one of those Dell net books. Anyone have any opinions on the topic. Would buying one be a waste of money? I would enjoy having a very portable laptop. It would be great for school. I think I might clean my Dad's work a couple times to get the money.

I'm pretty disappointed about the Florida trip being cancelled. I had everything planned out.

I'm still in WV, and I should be leaving tomorrow. Or Tuesday maybe? I have some movies at home that need to be returned tomorrow though. So I probably should go then.

Hayley and I watched the newer version of Friday the 13th. It was predictable and funny. Yes, both. The T&A didn't add to the movie. Sorry. It was like soft core porno.
I need a cigarette. Seriously. I also need to text Belinda and see what that bitch is up to. Now that I'm not going to Florida, we could hang out this week.

I don't have much to say.

ED pt 1

2009-07-21T12:29:00.000-04:00

My teeth ache. It’s a sign of the times.

My cat is pestering me for food. She is trying to perch herself atop my lap. Like I’d give her food faster. I mean, I will feed her of course. Just not now, because I am doing this.

Life is broken, little feathers strewn all over like a ripped open pillow. Beauty doesn’t live here anymore, if it ever did. My life is spent in the bathroom, assessing my body, my head over the toilet, scrubbing my skin raw. I am no longer who I was. Or maybe I was too dumb to realize that I always was.

I feel an emptiness nobody could fill. I am not sure where it comes from but it’s nestled between my heart and my stomach. A knot, tightly pulled together. I pray for the rope to fray. Maybe I will spill out completely.

The day is beautiful. I see my therapist today. I haven’t followed up with the nutritionist he told me about. I have her card in my wallet, untouched. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to pull my head out of the toilet.

She’s supposed to help me find a new therapist. My current therapist says he can’t treat eating disorders properly and that it would be best that I find another therapist. Not horribly complicated.

My cat still meows for food. I’m coming.

I leave tomorrow for WV, so it might be a while before you hear from me. I can’t indulge myself, which makes me nervous. But I need to go. I want to see my cousin. I wish she could understand what I’m going through. She doesn’t know the whole story. Hell, she could be reading this right now.

Florida is coming fast. There is much excitement attached to that thought. I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to do. Any thoughts? I’m thinking Universal Studios. Or Sea World. I don’t know if they have Sea World. I’d be interested in going.

I have to call in some prescriptions. I’m completely out of Lamictal and didn’t realize that until last night. I also need Wellbutrin. Too many meds to keep track of, I say. I’m almost done with my antibiotics for that wicked ear infection. My ear seems to be better, but I can’t help but feel my hearing isn’t what it used to be. Oh well, I see an ear doctor tomorrow before I leave. That should shed light on things.

I miss the water and the cool breeze. I haven’t been able to swim because of my ears.

My Mom will be home soon. I will be off.

#135

2009-07-18T22:11:00.002-04:00

I really miss him. A lot. He probably doesn't understand. I don't think even I do. I have this knot in my chest that just won't come undone. I've been taking pill after pill, trying to pull that knot apart. I am left just an emotional wreck.

I know I need to get ahold of myself. All I have is me now. No longer "our".

I haven't cried.

It's unseasonably cold out. I have to wear a sweatshirt to keep warm. I spend most of my time on our porch reading a book and holding the cats. Something to hold on to.

My friend and I hung out earlier. We watched a couple of movies. I finally saw "Dumplings" from the Three Extremes movie. It was pretty fucked up. We also watched The Strangers, which sucked ass completely. There was the bad acting firstly, secondly the poor story line which is pretty much the nail in the coffin. After all those we watched the Bad Seed, black and white. I've always kinda liked that film. It's creepy to me.

My Mom is ironing money. Don't ask.

I might sleep out in the sun room tonight. I think a change of scenery would be good. I could watch movies. Occupy my mind.

It

2009-07-18T11:32:00.002-04:00

My therapist gave me a number to a nutritionist that works in the same practice. She works with people who have eating disorders. I called her late yesterday, so I doubt she got my message. Maybe I can eat right again. Maybe I won't throw up anymore.

Through this nutritionist, I will be getting a new therapist.

It's not something I can just stop doing when someone tells me to. I shouldn't do these things. I should do this instead. I have a hard time listening to people that [I feel] don't understand.

It sounds so simple. I might as well just call my ED "it". "It" has been with me for such a long time, and it is hard for me to break free from it. In a way I guess I have subconsciously built my life around "it".

Enough of that.

I want to get out of here. Wednesday cannot come fast enough. I do want to see a movie with my friend Monday, but dear God, I wish I wasn't here. I don't like this.

I'm feel alone. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I'm scrambling unsuccessfully to get back up.

A Failing

2009-07-17T13:47:00.000-04:00

I’m trying to make the best out of this situation as I can. I’m not so hurt. I feel like I’ve put a wall up to protect myself. I haven’t cried yet. I wonder if it’s my perseverance or if it is just the fact that I block out unpleasant things.

I’m focusing on other things. I will be leaving next Wednesday for West Virginia to visit my cousin. The week after that I’m going to Florida with my Dad. I need stuff to keep me busy.

I kinda miss school. I feel like I need to be challenged mentally. Crosswords aren’t cutting it.

I’m seeing Harry Potter again Monday with my friend. Should be fun.

There was a wonderful thunderstorm earlier. I fell asleep to the rain pounding on my window.

I’m still writing those short stories. They’re coming out decent. They need some tweaking with the writing. I think I can make myself sound more eloquent. I don’t know. It is nice to tell these stories, because they have been locked in my head for years. I can’t give out names or places, but I can create something similar and use it to my advantage.

My ear infection is slowly going away thanks to antibiotics. All those ear drops weren’t doing shit. I see an ear doctor next Wednesday before I go to WV. Supposedly he can help me with the eczema in my ear. I’m all kinds of fucked up.

I feel like I’m going on food strike. I don’t know what for. Food is the enemy.

It’s sunny and muggy out now. I wish I could go swimming, but the ear thing won’t hack it. I don’t have ear plugs. I do have some swimmers ear drops though, but considering my ears aren’t quite healed yet, I probably shouldn’t.

The Man

2009-07-15T16:27:00.000-04:00

So, a friend of mine is in deep shit. I really hope she’s okay. There’s a lot of stuff that went down between her and two other guys. I won’t go into too much detail.

I planned on seeing Harry Potter last night with Belinda, but they put the tickets on pre-sale without my knowledge. That’s bullshit. They have never put tickets on pre-sale before. Normally you just show up and wait in line. I think it’s because they are showing the movie at the mall instead of the plaza. Stupid.
Well, in any case I will be seeing Harry Potter today. Exciting!

In non-geekness [maybe…], I have been working on some short stories about my stays in psychiatric facilities. I won’t say all of it’s true, but most of it shockingly is true. I was hoping to compile this into a book at some point in time, bind it myself, and sell it. I don’t know if it would gather interest, because it does seem to be all done before, but I think the stories I can tell are important. Maybe that’s a sign of insanity. I don’t know.

LOL.

My Mom is talking to herself about making Icicle Pickles.

The weather is muggy here. I think it will storm. We need rain. Rain will fix everything.

I’m unhappy really. I feel thrown off balance. Not like the rug has been pulled out from under me though, which is good, but more like I was pushed. Hard.

Here are your things. Leave now.

I’m becoming numb.

EAR

2009-07-12T16:29:00.000-04:00

Well, I officially have an intense ear infection. First it started in my left ear. Now my left ear is better and my right is giving me hell. The canal closed up last night or sometime this morning. I had to go to urgent care, where they put a wick in my ear to keep the canal open so fluid could drain.

I went to two other doctors the past couple days as well. All they did was give me ear drops, which did nothing for the pain at all. Now that the ear drops won’t fit into my ear, I had to get some sort of oral medication. The doctor today gave me Amoxicillin and Hydrocodone. Now that’s what I’m talking about.

Despite the Hydrocodone, my ear hurts like a bitch.

Well, I’ve been making exciting plans with the family. At the end of this month I will be going to Orlando, FL with my pops. He has some seminar to attend to for his business. The rental car might be in my name, so that means I get to drive all over God’s creation. Yes! I’m so hittin’ up Sea World.

After that, the week before Fall semester starts I will be going to Ocracoke, NC. Pretty sweet. I will be spending a whole week there. I would bring someone with me, but honestly I think I need to spend some quality time with my parents. However, I am sure they will eventually get on my nerves.

So, while I sit here and daydream about these things, I am trying to figure out some problems involving my school tuition. I paid back in May for my classes this fall. They sent me an invoice in the mail though like I hadn’t paid. I went online and checked, and I only owed them around $40. Pretty random. But the invoice counted my entire purchase. So fucking confusing. So I have to hit up the Finance office at school sometime this week.

I also have to find a counselor on campus that can help me with applying for ADA again. I’m pretty sure they have to have a counselor somewhere, considering there are summer classes. I hope it’s not one of the dicks who taught my orientation class. They said the counseling office would be open the week before school. Like I said, I won’t be there. I will be enjoying myself far, far away.

*Insert Ear Pain*

Well, Harry Potter comes out this week. My inner geek is excited as hell. I hope to go see it with my BFF. The trailers look awesome.

The phone keeps ringing, and I keep ignoring it. It isn’t my phone. It is my Mom’s. She’s out getting me soy milk so I can take my Hydrocodones. They mess with my stomach.

Well, it seems that I’m just making small talk.

People sometimes...WTF.

2009-07-08T15:05:00.000-04:00

Lastnight Nyal and I went for a cup of coffee downtown in Charlottesville. We were outside smoking cigarettes and enjoying ourselves.

I notice two rednecks walk by. One turned around and step on something purposefully. I heard a cry. I sat and stared at whatever was on the ground. It was moving.

Nyal noticed me staring off, and he looks. He gets up and goes over to see what it is. I follow him.

It was a tiny baby bat. It cried out again. I wanted to cry. How could someone go out of their way to step on a baby animal. I just don't get it.

Well, it kinda ruined my night. I couldn't stop thinking of that baby bat crying out.

I'm outside, trying to enjoy the sun. It has been nice and warm the past couple of days. The pool feels wonderful.

I'm typing this on my CrackBerry, so I hope I don't accidentally delete my post. It happens.

I got the paperback version of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in the mail. It just came out. The new movie is coming soon. Excitement!

I really don't have much to say that I didn't say yesterday.

Updates, Updates, Updates.

2009-07-07T11:37:00.003-04:00

I've been meaning to write for weeks. Every time I try, my phone deletes my message.

So now I'm on an actual computer for once. Hurrah.

I'm heavily addicted to Vitamin Water 10. I still don't get how it works. They say that if you take a multivitamin, you should take it with food because it helps the vitamin to get into your system. Instead now they have all these drinks out with vitamins in it, and I'm wondering if these vitamins are even being absorbed. Anyone know?

I've been spending time with my friend Belinda, who is awesome. If Belinda reads this, hey girl hey.

I started a new diet. It is kinda crazy. I'm trying to go meat-free, dairy-free [which I guess makes me a vegan], sugar-free, and possibly gluten-free. The task seems daunting, but I'm attempting to find ways to help my body. Cutting down on sugar has actually decreased my pain. Pretty cool, eh?

I can't remember [and I'm too lazy to check] whether or not I mentioned that I had to take orientation classes at my college. It is ridiculous. I've been going there for four fucking years, and NOW they make me take an orientation class? WTF. Still, I managed to make it through alive. My teachers were mean idiots. One way a ditzy blonde, the other an aging hippie. I hate both. I still don't know if I passed or not though. They had us do some semi-difficult tasks, including making a resume. The resume was good though, because then we could apply for jobs.

My Mom wants me to go to the diner with her, so I may have to cut this short.

Today I have an appointment with the foot doctor. Still working on that cyst. I also have an appointment with the therapist. I haven't seen him in a long time, so I'm sure we'll have plenty to talk about. Then I get to see Nyal. Nice stuff.

I've been spending a lot of time at the cabin and such. I really enjoy it there. Belinda, Darryl, and I had a little sleepover a while ago. It was pretty fun. Got kinda trashed on some clear whiskey. Who would've thunk.

Well, I have to cut this short. Maybe more later.

@?!#

2009-06-16T13:05:00.000-04:00

So I'm on my last load of laundry. That was ridiculous. I really shouldn't let my laundry pile up like that. I swear one load was entirely underwear. Almost.

Right now I'm at Harris Tire getting my oil changed. This chick keeps staring at me as I write this. Please stop.

Before this I had a quick oatmeal lunch with my brother and parents. I also managed to finally hit up the bank and cash my birthday checks. I also had a refund check from my GPs office. Sweet. 30 something more dollars in the bank.

It is overcast today, raining on and off. I was hoping to swim today. I'm sure I probably still could, but the wind would be freezing.

I've been frustrated recently. There are books I've been wanting to reread, but they're all in storage. This means it is time to do some unpacking.my room won't be able to hold the books though, so I don't know where they would go. Maybe the spare room? It does have bookshelves. Hmm...

My brother asked me to lay down some female vocals for some of his tracks. Kinda exciting. I haven't done any recording for years. I've been wanting to record with Nyal, but my guitar playing is rusty.

People keep staring at me. It is getting kinda annoying.

My socks have birds on them. Like it matters. You can't see the birds because of my shoes.

I've been celebrating my geekiness. I'm rereading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Well, the movie is coming out soon. I thought it would be a good idea to compare the book to the movie while the book is still fresh in my mind.

I have been craving bubble tea lately. We have a sushi place downtown that serves it, but it has limited flavors and the servings are kinda small. I heard the Good Cherry was planning on having bubble tea. This is exciting because the Good Cherry is about 5 minutes from my house. Bubble tea every day! Richmond has a nice bubble tea shop. Vanilla bubble tea...yum.

I sorta want a cigarette. I'm tired of sitting here listening to ESPN. I like college football, but that's as far as my sports interest goes.

Well, I'm going to take a cigarette break. Good afternoon.

#???

2009-06-15T14:56:00.000-04:00

Well, my WV trip was awesome. It was nice to spend some time with my cousin. She just started her summer job. Good luck, Hayley!

So I finally cleaned out my truck. Most of you don't know me, but my truck has been a wreck for years now. I finally cleaned it out. Now, there is still dirt and other nasty stuff, but my Mom is going to get my car detailed to get rid of dirt, stains, and other nastiness.

I had my first cavity today. My Dentist said it was from grinding my teeth and not wearing my night guard. He filled it pretty quick, because it was really small.

I have a large task at hand...cleaning the house. I'm sure it is going to take me today and tomorrow. My room honestly would take up half a day. I just finished the kitchen, now on to cleaning the stairs.

I also have a monstrous load of laundry to do. Kinda overwhelming.

Well, I should probably get back to work.

Yawn

2009-06-06T11:57:00.002-04:00

I'm so sleepy today. It was supposed to be nice out, like 80 degree weather, but unstead it is cloudy and cool. I was looking forward to going to the wave pool today too. Big frown.

In other obvious, or not so, news I'm in Charleston still...at my cousin's house and all that stuff. Been running around town, not doing anything of much importance. Having fun though.

We went and saw Drag Me To Hell lastnight. It is my second time seeing it, and I have to say I loved it.

I haven't thrown up in days.

I don't know if it happened or not, but there is a chance I didn't take my Lexapro last week. Before I left, I drove all the way to Bedford and then realized I forgot to put my Lexapro in my granny sized pill pack. This also got me to thinking whether or not I put the Lexapro in my pill pack last week. I did this when I first started taking Wellbutrin. I just kinda forgot. Guess I've learned my lesson.

Too many pills to keep track of.

So I'm sitting here waiting for Hayley to wake up. I don't know what we are gonna do. The weather is crap, like I said.

I'm fighting with whethe or not I should go back to sleep. I might just do that.

#125

2009-06-04T13:12:00.000-04:00

I am in WV visiting my cousin Hayley [hlong2 on Twitter]. It was a nice four and a half hour drive.I say nice in slight sarcasm. There was sporadic intense rain. I even hit some hail around Roanoke. Pretty weird.

I wanted to promote the music of a gal I went to Tulsa with. Her name is Sarah LaMantia.I personally think she is really good. Check out SarahLMantia.com. She also needs our help on her Myspace. Check her out there too.I don't have the link, I'm afraid. I might be able to post it through Twitter.

Hayley and I are watching Made on MTV. This show is totally stupid.

So, when I got here I immediately fell up the stairs and scraped open my toe. Not cool.

I saw Drag Me To Hell with Nyal Tuesday. One word: Awesome! It was the perfect mix of oldschool horror. Pretty disgusting, funny, and scary. Loved it!

Saturday we are supposed to go swimming with Vanessa. It is supposed to be nice out. Until then, I don't know what we are gonna do.

Snowy

2009-06-02T14:30:00.000-04:00

This post is partially dedicated to Snowy the cat. I know I mentioned him before. He is recovering wonderfully. His eye looks good. They were afraid he would lose it after removing the tumor right above that eye.

I love that cat. He seems so old and wise. I love petting and talking to him. He seems so responsive.I'm glad he is getting better.
I'm really enjoying updating my Blog on my BlackBerry. I can do it anywhere I want. I'm sitting in front of the TV right now watching Divorce Court. Drama drama drama.

I should be the new spokesperson for Pom Tea. I'm drinking Pomegranate Wildberry White Tea. You should try the Pomegranate Peach White Tea. It is amazing. The Wildberry tea is only 35 calories per serving.

I'm losing weight. My jeans that I bought last week are baggy now.

I see Nyal today. We are going to go to the movies to see Drag Me To Hell. I also have to return some library books to the Biology and Psychology library. I'm nervous and excited.

Well, Hayley did change her mind about camping. We were going to go, but then Vanessa had prior engagements. Sucks. I still might go see Hayley. I would be leaving tomorrow. I think it would be a good idea. I need to be occupied. Best thing to do after a break up.

Well, I must go. I need to get gas before I head to Charlottesville.

i just don't know.

2009-06-01T14:27:00.000-04:00

Things aren't getting easier. In fact, they're getting harder.

The camping trip with Vanessa and Hayley has been canceled. I also doubt I will be able to just visit Hayley, because she has an ear infection.

I feel emptier each day. I guess this is normal. It's that I'm missing pieces of myself. I want them back. It's just going to take time.

We had a cat named Snowy who's at the vet. He had surgery to remove cancer above his eye. He looks like Frankenstein now. He's coming home today. We have to watch though, because they may not have gotten all the cancer. He has cancer on his nose too. The doc said he's going to freeze it. He's a white cat. They're kinda prone to cancer.

I feel sick. I need to leave this place somehow.

#122

2009-05-31T15:28:00.000-04:00

My heart aches. I know I can handle this. Part of me just wants to roll over. I can't do it though. "You live, you learn. At any rate you live."

Got up today feeling empty. To fill the void I went for a swim. The sun feels wonderful, which is why I am outside tapping away on my BlackBerry.

I've been reading some. Still haven't finished Anansi Boys yet.I do have a new book that I got yesterday with Belinda. I can't remember the name completely, so I won't even try. It is basically the therapy autobiography of a person with over 90 different personalities.I thought it would be a good read and it's paperback, so it was kinda cheap.

So I will probably be leaving for West Virginia on Wednesday or Thursday to go camping with Hayley and Vanessa. Hayley can expect a call from me tomorrow.

I have to swing by J. Crew tomorrow to apply for a job. Personally, I hate J. Crew. I'm afraid this job will suck out my soul or at least make me more cynical. Still, it is a job. They always seem to be hiring. That could be a bad sign.

I'm imagining what California will be like. I'm not sure where in California we would be going, but I can only assume it would be L.A. The thought of escaping all the way over the continental United States. Somewhere new, something new to experience.

I need these things. They're going to hold me together.

Opening up.

2009-05-30T18:20:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm having to relearn how to breathe.

It is strange that something in your life could be held with such importance for so long, but then it is gone. Snap. Like that.

So yes, I guess I will have to relearn things. I am a functioning human being, at least by my standards.

But God, do I miss him.

Life barrels on. My birthday is coming up. The big 22. Nothing special this time around. Might go out to eat with the family. Who knows really.

My brother Jon has heard about my situation thanks [or no thanks] to my Mom. He sympathizes. Really. And he has offered me the opportunity to fly down to Georgia and meet up with him to go out to California sometime in the next month. It all sounds pretty sweet. It is nice to have things to look forward to.

So I'm still a tweeting maniac. Follow me on Twitter, screenname mutejunky.

My brother Ben lent me Mirror Mask and The Uninvited. Both supposed good movies. Gives me something to occupy my time.

But now I must head off. I'm picking up my friend and we are gonna hang out.

Doctor day!

2009-05-26T10:40:00.000-04:00

So, today is doctor day. I see Dr. Caulkins, Dr. Kelly, Dr. Thomson, and Rick Goodling to wrap everything up in a nice shiny package.

I'm waiting at Dr. Caulkins' office to get my Hepatitis A and B booster vaccine. This makes the last one. Pretty sweet.I might have to get that new Gardasil vaccine soon. I will probably go to Dr. Schmidt for that one.

There are a lot of people in the waiting room. Perhaps I've come at a bad time. For a walk in at least. I didn't have an appointment, so I imagine I'm on the bottom of their priority list.

Did I ever mention that typing Blog posts on my BlackBerry sucks? The keys are so teeny and I make stupid grammar errors.

I wish they would call my name.

After this I go to Dr. Kelly. It is another freezing treatment on the cyst on my foot. Might not need any more soon.

Please dear God, call my name.

I hate doctor offices. Sucks because I'm in them a lot lately.

I'm afraid of the germs. It is not an OCD thing. I think it is perfectly natural to be a little afraid of germs in a doctor's office. Especially when the doctor's office is packed to the gills.

Please don't sneeze on me. I don't want the swine flu.

LOL.

Good thing I came early. Looks like I will be here for a while. I need to be able to make it to my appointment, which is a half an hour away, by 1PM.

I wish I would have bought a book to read so I wouldn't be babbling on here. I have quite a bit of restless energy. I should have went jogging this morning.

I'm surrounded by Holy Bibles and Arthritis Today magazines. I am sitting next to a pregnant woman.I hope I don't catch it. Ha ha.

Call my name goddamnit.

Long time, No see

2009-05-23T12:14:00.003-04:00

I have pictures here. Check it.

Tulsa was an adventure. I was surprised at the size of the city. I assumed it would have been bigger than Lynchburg, but apparently I was wrong. It was probably about the same size.

I had my first margarita. I also had my first wine margarita [weird but yummy].

The girls were fun, and I miss them.

Now that I am home it's time to look for a job. I'm checking on J. Crew, considering they hire just about anybody. This will be done Tuesday, due to Memorial Day [Happy Memorial Day].

I've been reading Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman. I'm really enjoying it. I loved American Gods, and this is kinda in the same sorta vein.

My life seems to be coming together a bit. I feel more prepared for school in the fall. In fact I feel I can deal with most anything. This is a wonderful feeling.

#118

2009-05-12T16:51:00.000-04:00

So tired. I drove a couple hours straight today, and more hours to go tonight. I've got a bum foot thanks to the foot doctor freezing that evil cyst. At least he says he will be able to get rid of it.

On Friday I will be in Tulsa. I'm leaving for Morgantown Thursday. I'm a mixture of excited and panicked.

Through all the sweat and tears, I managed to pass both my photography and algebra class. The algebra was most important because it determined whether or not I would be going back to school this fall. Now that I have passed it, I can continue on to be a pharmacy technician.

I just bought the collected works of Lewis Carroll. Exciting!I also had a wonderful sweetened passion tea lemonade. If you've never had one, you should.

Today I feel pretty damn good. I woke up feeling kinda nauseated, but after I took my meds I was fine.I really think the Lexapro is helping. I have less pain too, which is a fucking plus.I actually read in Psychology Today that fibromyalgia can be treated with antidepreasants. Pretty interesting.

Well, wish me luck on my trip. I will need it.

Praise the lord!

2009-05-08T11:48:00.003-04:00

It seems that I have passed my math class. I am pretty sure I have at least. My brother and dad did some math calculations and came up with a 76%. I needed a 75% to pass, so this is good.

I made math my bitch.

More meds

2009-05-06T12:15:00.000-04:00

Well, my obsessive thoughts have brought me to a new level. All I can think about it math, my family, my friends, my boyfriend, the trip to Tulsa, getting sick again, passing this final. I’m obsessing. I can’t get certain things out of my head.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. He prescribed me Lexapro. This makes the seventh psychiatric med that I’m on [Lithobid/Lithium, Lamictal, Neurontin, Klonopin, Zyprexa, Wellbutrin, and now Lexapro]. All of these together plus Synthroid [which I have because the Lithium fucked with my thyroid] and good ole BC.

Too many meds. I should open my own pharmacy out of my house. That would be sweet. I have plenty of psych meds I’ve tried, but they didn’t work, so I have these bottles filled to the brim with pills I can’t take. I wish I could find someone to buy them off me.

I’m freaking out over the final exam. I guess I should just say if I don’t know it now, I probably just won’t do well. The thing is I have to refresh my memory. I wish I would have had more time. Nyal probably thinks I’m crazy. Actually, I’m sure he does.

So right now, I can’t think of anything but math.

I will be relieved when this is over. Or when I get my grade. I don’t know.

I feel totally psychotic.

Frightened

2009-05-04T11:19:00.001-04:00

For some dreaded reason, I feel as if I will fail this math class.

If I fail, my plans on becoming a pharmacy tech are shattered or, at most, extremely delayed.

I’m taking a small break from studying right now and decided to write so I could clear my head.

I’ve been doing little things for myself to try and keep it together. Stress and I do not bond well. I end up caving in at some point and everything goes awry. It wasn’t always like this.

I have this thing about failing. I guess I’m one of those people. A person who is so afraid to fail that they freak out at even the thought.

Dear God, I’m scared. I have been so busy studying for this last test that I haven’t had time to study for the final. I just got the final review yesterday. The final is Wednesday. I will have to cram. I hate this.

Sometimes I think, “So what if I fail this math class. Move on to bigger things.” But deep down, I have never wanted to pass a class as bad as I want to pass this one. Biology class was close, but this one is intense.

It’s rainy outside. The cloud cover makes my bad ache deeply. I can’t bitch though. People right now probably have it worse off than I do.

I’ve been listening to some Einstuerzende Neubauten and Tinted Windows. A really odd mix. Intense industrial with pop music. Nice.

I need to get back to work.

Trying new things

2009-04-30T10:02:00.000-04:00

Well, today I have forced myself with a crowbar out of dream land to come to photography class. I’m glad this class is almost over. I have no clue though when we are supposed to turn in our final projects AND when we will be getting them back. I sure as hell don’t want to turn in my pictures and have him keep them.

My Tinted Windows CD came in yesterday. Boy is it pop-y. The songs are horribly catchy. I’m kind of a sucker for that sometimes. It’s very interesting considering who the music is coming from. I could understand Taylor Hanson being a part of it, but James Iha? Huh? I wonder what Billy Corgan is thinking at this moment.

Now for product placement. I got these awesome things called Wisps. They’re portable disposable toothbrushes with built in toothpaste that you can swallow [I have cinnamon]. They are super wonderful, considering I like brushing my teeth randomly. Now I can do it in my car, at school, walkin’ around. Very cool.

Second product placement. I’m trying Vitamin Water 10. Right now I am drinking the energy one with B vitamins and such. It’s supposed to be “tropical citrus” flavored and “naturally sweetened”. From first taste, it had a strange sugary taste. I realized that they used Stevia, a plant that I adore, to sweeten the drink. If you haven’t checked out Stevia, it’s a dieter’s dream. No calories, pretty much tastes like sugar. Only thing is you have to mix in the Stevia while stirring or else it gets all nasty. They sell it now at most grocery stores in the sugar/sugar substitute aisle.

It’s overcast today. I don’t know if it rained last night, but I feel rain in the air [and in my back]. I am going to Charlottesville today. I have some books to return to the BioPsych library. I might see if I can check one out again, because I never got around to reading it.

Good day though, considering I will be hanging out with Nyal. He’s coming into town this weekend, and we will probably go to the Long Haired Bear show to heckle them. I have a grudge to settle. This is not the time or place to discuss such things.

My stomach is flip-flopping today. I guess it’s nerves. I have the math kinda weighing on my mind. I’m going to work on a lot of it tonight with Nyal. I hope it goes well.

“I don’t care if people hate my guts; I assume most of them do. The important question is what they are in a position to do anything about it.” – William S. Burroughs

Dun Dun Dunnnn...

2009-04-28T10:26:00.001-04:00

So today is the day.

I’ve had this thing on the bottom of my foot for over a year. Some people say it’s a plantars wart. Some say it’s a bone spur. Some say it just a callous gone awry. Well, I don’t care what the fuck it is. It’s time to get rid of it.

I have an appointment at 1pm with a Dr. Kelly. Don’t know much about the guy at all, only that my GP recommended him to me. This doctor apparently travels. One day he’s in Bedford, VA. Another day Roanoke, VA. I find this interesting.

I’m seeing him today in his Bedford clinic. Bedford is only about a 20 minute drive from here.

I’m skipping photography class. Since I already finished my project, I feel no need to do anymore printing.

I’m looking forward to going home soon after this. Maybe I can get a nap in and try to relax and not think about the surgery. “I have to pass math. I have to go to Tulsa. I have to get a job. I have to get an apartment. I have to get this thing off of my foot. I have to start school in the fall.” These are things that are swimming uncomfortably inside my skull. So it would be nice...to sit and not worry about anything.

I won’t be going to Charlottesville today for my normal therapist appointment due to the surgery. This is kinda bad, because I didn’t see him last week either. I did get a call from my Pdoc though, telling me to up my Seroquel if I’m having these obsessive thoughts. Good deal. I wish I could take one now, but I would be a zombie.

I have no quote for today. I do ask for more submissions for dismembered. Send them to dismemberedmag@gmail.com.

Stars and whatnot

2009-04-27T11:59:00.000-04:00

To say that I’m not scared would be wrong. I am scared. I am scared because this is the time of the year where I lose my mind. It has been this way for years. I’m having a hard time containing my irrational, obsessive, and impulsive thoughts. I smoke faster, drive faster, dream faster, work faster. Everything in my mind goes into complete auto pilot.

This is frightening because eventually the nausea comes.

The heat is a reminder of summers past. Being sick, attempting to read a book on the porch. Hot, fan running blowing steaming air into my face. Laying in bed, the house at a sweltering temperature. I took Seroquel in the daytime to knock myself out so I didn’t have to face the physical symptoms I was feeling. But eventually, I would have to come out of my drug cocoon and live life.

After a couple months, the nausea subsides and I go back to being normal again. Normal for me, at least.

All this heat is bringing up memories. Bad memories.

I’m having foot surgery tomorrow. It might be something minor or major. I don’t know. It all has to do with whatever the doc says is okay. I hope they just cut the whole thing off [Actually, I don’t, but you know...].

I can’t help but kinda look at the other people around me. I wonder what their lives are like. I wonder what they’re going through too, how big or small it is. I want to compare myself to them. I want to crawl inside their minds and see what they are thinking. This of course is physically impossible, and I am definitely not social enough to even begin to talk to strangers sometimes.

I think smoking has gotten me to talk to strangers. You kinda share a common bond: addiction to cigarettes. You see them every day at school. Of course, eventually you will start talking to them. Cigarettes are definitely a way to socially lubricate.

Speaking of lubricate, Snuff is turning out to be one crazy books.

I can’t write much today. I really should be working hard on my math. There’s a test Wednesday. I think I might skip it and hope I can take it next Monday. I’m not ready, and I have a lot of sections to do still until the finals.

I always wondered what star tattoos symbolized for people. So many tattooed people have stars somewhere on their body [I have one from when I was 16]. I know why I got mine. I want to know what meanings stars have to others. I actually get kinda annoyed when someone gets or has multiple star tattoos. I think they’re just there to look pretty or “cool” or whatever. If someone can give me a true reason behind their star tattoo, maybe I would respect them more.

I didn’t go to the Art Box this weekend to pick up mounting board and glue paper. I always hate going downtown by myself. I’m thinking of making Jon Hill go with me. He doesn’t know this yet, but if he reads this, he knows it now. Ha ha.

My photography project should be fine. It’s due on the 6th, I think.

Well, not much else to say.

“Sell a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.” –Karl Marx

I do not even know where to begin

2009-04-25T11:05:00.000-04:00

Two posts two days in a row. Pretty neat. Actually the reason why I'm posting isn't so neat.

For the past two years I have been struck with bouts of nausea and sometimes vomiting. These episodes occur in the summer and will last until fall.

Now I've been told by a doctor, whom I thought was an idiot because he couldn't read a lithium level test, that I have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome.

CVS is mainly seen in young children. Triggers can be extreme stressors, good or bad, and the weather. Of course, both of these triggers play a part in my CVS flare ups.

I'm sitting outside on my phone again, writing this. The weather is very warm. Wispy clouds in the sky. But I think I'm having a little bout of PTSD. It is warm. I get sick when it is warm. It is easy to put two and two together.

I'm trying to keep myself grounded. I tell myself that my meds have changed drastically since the last time I got sick. In fact, one of those meds, Zyprexa, got me out of the episode, I think.

I can't help but have this fear though. CVS, or whatever I have, is no joke. It is emotionally intense and horribly frightening. I remember sometimes feeling like I was going to die. It is like an extreme panic attack, only with vomiting.

I'm hoping this summer it doesn't happen again. I have Zyprexa, Klonopin, and Seroquel on my med list now, so that should cut down on the stress trigger as being a factor. Now all I have to worry about it the weather. Actually I shouldn't worry. I should be telling myself everything is going to go okay.

My biggest fear is going to Oklahoma and getting sick. It will be a stressful environment. I will be far from home. God, I try not to think about it, but I can't help it. It is like I am basically setting myself up for disaster. I really need to stop or else I really will get sick.

I need to tell myself the Tulsa trip will be fine. The plane ride will go okay.I will enjoy myself.

It is just that underlying fear there. I think this is worth a therapist appointment.

This is the only place I know where I can write about this. I want someone to read this and say, "Hey! I know someone who has that," or,"I'm experiencing the same thing.". The internet can be a wonderful thing for stuff like this. It is depressing to feel like you're alone.

I do have a lot of growing up to do. I need to learn how to deal with the CVS or panic attacks or whatever they are. They may just be a permanent fixture in my life. I hope not. I've tried many times in the past to change things I deemed impossible to change, but I did it. I just have to apply that attitude to this situation. I will try to kick this thing's ass, for sure.

Well, as I mentioned earlier, it is quite nice out. I'm hoping to find a good outdoor activity today to get my mind off of things. Finals are fast approaching. I don't think I'm stressed about finals as much as I'm stressed about the final test in math before finals. This stuff is pretty hard for me. I get the concept, it is just the trial and error of it all.

I think I should end my posts with something. I always have a hard time figuring out what to say last when I blog. So, I am thinking quotes? Perhaps it seems over done or pretentious. I think it would be nice to put lyrics of a song I'm currently listening to at the end of the post, so here we go.

"I'm lying down blowing smoke from a cigarette. Little whisper smoke signs that you'll never get."

Great, just great.

2009-04-24T17:24:00.000-04:00

I'm outside enjoying the wonderful 85 degree weather, typing this on my phone. Once again I will apologize before hand for any grammatical errors.

Today I blew $40 worth of coupons at Best Buy. Got some Public Enemy after having a chat with Nyal lastnight.

I tried to find the Tinted Windows album, but they didn't have it in stock. I had them order it for me. Now I have to wait a week.

I got a 63% on the math test I retook. Hey, it was 10% better than last time, lol. Planning on taking it again. We have a test on the current chapter though next Thursday, so I really need to get on the ball with that.

I need a Klonopin.

I am practically finished with my final project in photography. All my photos are printed. All I need to do is mount them to the board. I need to find boards and glue paper though.I will probably go to the Art Box downtown this weekend.

I've been thoroughly enjoying myself today. This is nice.

I have developed an addiction to Starbuck's passion tea lemonade. I normally don't like Starbucks for corporate reasons, but damn they are good.

Today I'm living off of passion tea lemonade and Red Bull. Yes!

Well, it is time for me to figure out dinner.

Oh God, TW

2009-04-22T12:17:00.002-04:00

So I watched Tinted Windows last night on Letterman. I don’t know whether to be impressed or depressed. They did screw up once or twice [or so I thought I caught].

For those who do not know, Tinted Windows is a “super group” containing members from Hanson, Smashing Pumpkins, Fountains of Wayne, and Cheap Trick. If that didn’t sound weird enough, they are playing straight up power pop.

Their record came out yesterday. I am tempted to go buy it to hear more songs. I like their catchiness. “Kind of a Girl” is a pretty damn catchy song. I mean, hell...it’s still stuck in my head from last night. I’d like to get the album and perhaps write up a review.

Today I retake my Algebra test. Dear God.

I also have to develop a roll of film and make a contact sheet as a part of my final photography project. I don’t know how we’re going to get our final projects back, since they are due at the final day of school. I don’t want to give up my slides and mounted photos. I want to keep all the work that I have done in this class. Hopefully he will schedule some sort of pick-up date.

I turned in the last one and we did a class critique. I mounted mine poorly. The photograph was a little frayed on the edges when I used too much of the iron. Otherwise, Professor Lofaso really seemed to dig my picture. I’m glad. I was horribly worried over nothing. I thought he’d hate it because I wasn’t sure if it was on the right side of the mounting board, whether or not the picture fraying would be a big deal, etc. If there’s something...anything...I will probably be worried about it. Then it turns out to be nothing, and I have a great wave of relief.

“Perhaps all pleasure is only relief.” -William S. Burroughs.

Well, I have had my morning Red Bull, and I’m feeling pretty wired. I have a short of panic going on due to the retake test. I need to get a good grade badly or else my total grade will probably dip down to a C. I have to have at least a 75% in the class [middle C] to pass. It’s one of those pass or fail classes. I think I can pull off a good final exam though, which counts a lot for a grade.

I have been rummaging through old CDs that I haven’t listened to in years. I found some pretty good stuff. Old Nine Inch Nails, Sneaker Pimps, etc. I really admire the Sneaker Pimps record. The singer has a pretty unique voice. I heard later on they got a male singer, but I don’t know if I really heard his singing.

It was a bit of nostalgia. I listened to this shit in middle school, amongst many other bands that I still admire to this day [Black Flag, Bad Brains, etc.].

It is really crowded today in the computer lab. I’m sure as the semester draws to a close, it is going to become more crowded by the day, people working for finals and whatnot. I’m actually not really scared of finals. Maybe I should be? Hm...

Damn, I can’t get that Tinted Windows song out of my head. It’s even worse that my cousin Hayley said that she now knows what Taylor Hanson having an orgasm sounds like. Big LOL. I will never be able to listen to the song the same way again. Dear Lord.

It is kinda like that time Nyal’s friend Jon told of the appeal to Judas Priest. He imagined Rob Halford singing into a dildo. That killed it for me. I love Judas Priest, but not every time I try to listen to “Breaking the Law”, I can’t help but giggle in my own immature way.

Speaking of Hanson, the trip to Tulsa is getting nearer and nearer. I will be driving up on the 14th of May to Morgantown, WV. Catching the flight out of Pittsburgh, PA. I think I covered this before, but it’s just so exciting to me that I cannot contain it. I am finally going to another state. One that I haven’t been in before. I mean, I’ve been up and down the east coast and one time over to Utah, but this is different. I am quite excited.

Aside from the Hanson event, there will be Mayfest there. Not sure what bands will be playing, but I’m highly interested in checking that out.

I finally purchased Snuff by Chuck Palahniuk. Only a few pages in, and it’s already pretty strange. I haven’t read a Palahniuk book in a while. Not since I was in the hospital and read Invisible Monsters, which was really great at the time. It gave me something to do in the nut house besides sit in my bed and count the dots in the ceiling.

I also had Interzone [William S. Burroughs] and House of Leaves [Mark Z. Danielewski] there, both that I have read before I wanted to have due to variety [Thanks to Nyal for getting them from the public library for me]. I never made it to those, because my stay at the nut house was short lived. It sucked being there on Thanksgiving, but the more that I think about it the more I realize it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I’m now reaching the three page mark on Microsoft Word. I really need Microsoft Word on my computer. I have a Dell, and I though they including the Microsoft Suite in the package. Instead they gave me a trial edition which sucks. I can read items on Microsoft Word, but as far as writing, I can’t do shit.

Instead, I have been using Atlantis, a freeware word program from Downloads.Com. It has actually really grown on me. As you type it make typewriting noises. Pretty cool, but nowadays Microsoft Word is the huge deal. I am going to need it eventually, so I plan on buying the student edition, which is $99 at Staples. Not bad considering they were wanting $150 at Target and Best Buy.

I’ll consider it an investment.

Well, not much left to say today. I should probably start studying for real.

Rainy day

2009-04-20T13:06:00.000-04:00

Today is dreary. The rain flattens and tangles my hair. I don’t mind much. The rain is a change, something new. The past couple days have been sunny and warm. I needed the change. Sometimes I think I could survive with it always raining. That is until my back begins to hurt again.

The Accumulator Syndrome/Buck Gooter/La Mere Vipere/Order show went great. There were complications though. At first it was thought that the Accumulator Syndrome’s drummer wouldn’t play due to his ill grandfather. Turned out he was able to play after all. But then we got a call from Curt, the guy who owns the joint, saying that the show has to be over at midnight.
So basically they had to fit four bands between 9 and 12. It worked, but it was also a little disappointing that you couldn’t see the band’s full acts.

Then there was drama about the door money. It was $5 donation/admission. The money was supposed to go to the bands, considering the Order has band members from all over the east coast, La Mere Vipere is from Richmond, and Buck Gooter is from Harrisonburg. They would have gladly liked some money for their time travelling.
Well, turns out someone stole a large amount of money, leaving only $30 to split between four bands. Seriously. What the fuck.

I won’t talk about who I think did it in case they happen to come upon my blog. I don’t deal with drama.

Dismembered is very slow. I haven’t heard from Ani. I haven’t heard from Seth. I haven’t heard from Jesse or Jon. I have little material. I was hoping to have this magazine out by mid-June. Not going to happen, I think.

I spent the weekend alone. My parents went to West Virginia. I took is surprisingly well. Sometimes I get horribly lonely and would cling to them. It’s childish, I know.

I need to retake that math test I failed. Won’t be today though, I think. I think class is ending very soon.

I’m doing my photography project today to turn it in tomorrow. On the photography assignment paper it says to prepare for class critique. Oh my. That scares me a little. I’m always unsure if my photos are good enough. Well, I’m also unsure whether I’m good enough as a human being. That’s another story.

2009-04-17T16:34:00.000-04:00

So, bad news.

Accumulator Syndrome will possibly not playing the show tonight at Dust. There was a complication with the drummer. His grandfather is very ill.

I'm in Charlottesville now. We might just get some Japanese food soon. Yum!

Nyal was down, so we took a long drive to Palmyra. Nothing too exciting. We did stop for energy drinks though. I am a Red Bull addict.

Right now I'm bored, waiting for Nyal to get out of the shower so we can go do stuff before the show.

So yeah, show tonight at the Dust in Charlottesville starting at 9PM. Accumulator Syndrome (maybe), La Mere Vipere, Buck Gooter, and the Order. It should be an awesome show. $5 donations if you can, please.

My phone, with which I am trying to write on this blog, has been crapping out on me. I can't receive text messages, last night I could receive calls, it is erasing my call history and my messages on my Facebook app.

I went to Alltel today to get this straightened out. My phone's screen is shitty anyway, so I'm supposed to get a new phone in the mail tomorrow. The representative said that either I could set up my new phone myself (bad idea) OR I could come into the store and he would set it up for me. That sounds like a better idea to me.

Well, my final photography project asks me to take pictures with a them. Examples being nature, animals, cities, people, etc. I'm done with the picture part. I took a whole roll of film just by taking pictures of the farm. I hope he catches my overall theme, because I do touch on elements of animals and nature. Hey, I live on a farm, you know?

I need to print and mount photos for my current project due Monday. I plan to work on it Monday after math class.

Math is another story. Dear God, I need help. I still have yet to take that test over again. I was hoping Monday, but I don't know if I will be ready.

In any case, I am surviving. Entries to Dismembered have halted. Sucks.

I really need to do something.

Apartment Woes

2009-04-15T13:27:00.002-04:00

Posting again, just because I can and that I have something to say.

I am having problems. I have a job now that will bring in roughly $64 a week. I need another job. I've applied to a lot of places, and I have yet to follow through calling the manager Ruth at Ritz Camera.

I'm looking for an apartment, and I thought it would be best to get a room mate. I have an idea of who I want my room mate to be. I'm going to try and go see her to day to put the idea in her head. I think she might like it. There will be some problems though. She wouldn't have transportation possibly [save for me, but even then I won't drive her all over God's creation]. She's also quite the social butterfly and loves people. I don't really want a lot of people in the apartment. Any more than three is a party to me. I'm no party person whatsoever...well, maybe sometimes.

I feel kinda like an apartment nazi, but I really want to make sure I'm comfortable with the living situation as well. This could go smooth and easy or rocky and hard. I hope it's not the latter. This chick has a job and is already paying rent to her parents to live in their house, so I thought, "Hey! Why not?".

I'm excited though. I found a two room 1.5 bath apartment for $465. The highest priced apartment I found and liked was $649. ApartmentFinder.Com really didn't have much info on the apartments like if they have a washer and dryer, or if they accept pets [I have a cat and plan on getting gerbils once I move out].

But still, I wrote down the names, addresses, phone numbers and prices of six locations to stay. I think that's enough for now.

I'm a bit nervous though about asking this girl if she wants to room with me. I don't know what the hell I'm getting into. I remember her rooming with my other friend [her cousin] and things getting way out of hand due to her inviting people over all the time. Sucks. But that was two or so years ago. She has a steady job now, she seems more responsible. I think she can handle it.

I told her I would like to meet up with her at 4pm in a text message. She has yet to respond. Damn.

Math is going by so slow. After this I'm planning to develop some film. Hopefully it won't take too long. I almost want to skip out of class, but I'm afraid of him covering some shit that I really need to know. I did fail the last test after all. I might not be able to afford it.

So I'm a jittery mess over the simplest of things. Math. Photo slides. Asking a friend to move in together and hoping that I'm making the right decision. Hell, she might say no. Who knows really. I'm just assuming considering her current location is a hell hole that she would go along with it.

I hope it goes well. Wish me luck.

Come on

2009-04-15T11:38:00.001-04:00

Dismembered is going really slow guys. Keep the entries coming.

I had a wonderful time yesterday doing simple things. I was with Nyal though, so that made it better.

There is a show this Friday at the Dust starting around 9pm. I wish I had the flyer that Nyal put together because it is awesome [maybe I will have it before the show so I can post it here]. La Mere Vipere, the Order, Buck Gooter [sp?], and Accumulator Syndrome are all playing. I believe it’s a $5 donation, considering this is a house party of sorts. Come check it out if you’re in the Charlottesville area.

I really need to work on some papers I’ve been meaning to write. I’m just so easily distracted nowadays with school and such.

I failed my last math test. I think it’s because I was sick, tired, and unprepared for the content of the test. It really pissed me off, because I did the chapter review and did fine. Then we get the test and it’s like what? This wasn’t on the chapter review. What is this shit? I really hate that. Good thing I can take tests over again in this class. I’m prepared to do it sometime within the next week.

I also turned in my late photography assignment. I also asked him to give me back my first assignment with all my pinhole camera pictures [I wasn’t going to let that bastard keep them]. I’m late on this assignment too by one class day. That’s a letter grade off. I was really sick that day though. I’m proud of the work I did. I mounted three aesthetically pleasing photos, gave him my slides and contact prints. Everything is accounted for.

Now I have an assignment due this Tuesday, which I will do my best to get in on time for once. This one deals with photos with lines and shapes, contours and shadows. I have a roll of film I have yet to develop that might have some pictures like that on it. I don’t know. I have a feeling I will be shooting an entirely different roll just to finish the project. I’ll have to do it today though. Or tomorrow morning. All I know is it has to be done by Tuesday at the end of class. I think I can do it.

We also got our final project in photography. We choose a subject matter theme of our liking [ie: Nature, People, etc.] and we take an entire roll [or rolls] of film using that theme. Then we mount four of the photographs [I think it’s four] and have our contact sheets and negatives and such. Not too hard, right? I think I already have my theme. I took a bunch of pictures around the farm, so I’ll just use those. The film is still in my camera though, because I haven’t used it up yet. I’ll probably do that this afternoon so maybe I can come in and develop photo slides tomorrow.

I’m doing a bit of research on eating disorders. I found a lot of interesting information thanks to the UVA Bio/Psych library. I’m hoping to write something up soon. Like I said a bit ago though, there’s not much time in the day to do such things. Even if I do have time, I’m not up to it or am too tired. Most of the stuff pertains to my experiences with an eating disorder though, so it might be boring.

Twitter is extremely slow. Too many people tweeting, I guess. You can follow my twitter now. I put a link on the right hand side of the blog.

This is where I leave you for the moment.

Test test test

2009-04-13T11:16:00.002-04:00

So, things are going slow with Dismembered. I have Ani as my right hand man now. There’s a possibility web space will be purchased sometime within the next couple months. Keep the submissions coming in.

I’m sick again. Whoopdedo. At least it’s not as bad as last time. I have good medications now to keep me in check, although they don’t seem to be working completely. I’m under a bit of stress though, so they are doing something. I’m not puking yet.

Today I have a test in Algebra. Exponent rules, polynomials, etc. Seems like simple stuff, but this is where I start making stupid mistakes. I will probably have to retest on this one.

After Algebra, I need to hit up Jon Hill in the photo lab. I have a roll of film to develop [maybe], but I really need to work on mounting some of my photographs. I have to make some of the photos larger first, print them off, then I’m ready to use the mounting iron. Jon Hill is going to show me how. I saw the teacher do it, but I was so distracted I didn’t get it.

Right now I feel like shit physically, which in turn makes me feel like shit mentally. Ugh.

The trip to Tulsa, OK is not far away. A month away for me tomorrow, considering I have to drive to Morgantown, WV to meet up with my cousin before we fly with the other gals out of Pittsburgh, PA on the 15^th.

Ugh again. I feel like crap. I’m going to cut this short and work on my math.

More on the zine

2009-04-08T12:01:00.001-04:00

Originally supposed to be posted 04/08/09

So today is my slack off day. I’m attempting to do homework unsuccessfully.

My main reasons for posting: Dismembered. I need more submissions please.

dismemberedmag@gmail.com

I also have a blog set up for it, so I may not be posting much more on this blog about it. I will tell you all to check the other blog though whenever there’s an update.

http://dismemberedmag.blogspot.com/

A Myspace is surely on the way. I don’t know. All I do know is that there is unlimited resources nowadays, and I need submissions.

I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m in limbo at the moment. Should the magazine be published online first [would mean that I would have to get web space] or should I do print-based. Dismembered initial zines were put online. After that we moved onto print-based works. I have a printer at my disposal and unlimited paper, so I feel that it could be okay to go ahead with the print-based zine. Some gals told me that would be better than web-based. In any matter, I’ve been meaning to get web space for a while, so it shouldn’t hurt anything.

Moving on the same note, does anyone out there have their own web site? I would like to know recommendations for site hosting. Last time we used Toasty Host [which looks defunct now]. I’m looking for something well rounded and affordable. I’m good with HTML, so if the site host supports that, that would be great.

I’m really going out on a limb here. I enjoyed what I did with the magazine back then, and I hope to recreate it in some way.

Another thing, poetry is backlogged. If you submit a poem, please note that I only plan on publishing one or two poems each zine. The people who submitted poems already are on a first come first served basis.

Also, make sure what you write is your own work and not another’s. That should be an obvious one, but I don’t want plagiarism. A girl at my college who works on the colleges literary art magazine said she’s been catching people who plagiarize. It’s unfortunate that I have to say it.

I need to break down and by the Microsoft bundle package with Word, Powerpoint, etc. My trials ran out long ago when I first bought my laptop. I’ve been needing it to see submissions.

On a non-magazine related note, I had a flare up last night. It wasn’t pretty. The nausea returned and I was crippled for a bit. This morning I feel better though, which is proof that I do have control over this.

Well, time to work on math. Don’t forget to submit!

The resurrection of Dismembered

2009-04-06T11:42:00.002-04:00

I’m in the computer lab at school once again, avoiding my algebra homework and instead writing. Class isn’t until 1pm anyway.

I woke up this morning around 10:30pm. It looked as if it had rained last night. The sun is shining now though, and it feels wonderful. Dr. Thomson at one point told me to sit out in the morning sun for 15 minutes. Supposedly it helps depression.

So I’m deciding to get on the ball with Dismembered. I am now accepting submissions to the magazine. These submissions can be in the form of art, photography, and writings (I do like to keep a minimum on poetry though). Send in something you feel strongly about. Political, strange and bizarre. I like weird and so does this magazine.

Initial format will either be print-based [which may not get released until summer], or I will blog post it in a new blog just for the magazine. It really depends on how much time I have. I thought about purchasing web space, but I think that would be too much of a leap for the beginnings of the magazine.

I’m hoping to have at least 3 magazines a year. I’m scrounging up people in my real life to be open and submit their own work. Now I would like some online submissions.

Like I mentioned kinda before, I may start is blog for Dismembered and maybe even a Myspace to really get myself out there. This will be seen within the upcoming weeks.

For now I have an email. All submissions can be sent in there.

dismemberedmag@gmail.com

The process of the magazine may not take long if I can find the spare time. Like I said, print-based takes more time, so it may not be released until June or so. If I decide to put it online, that will be another story.

Oh yeah, and all those who submit get a free copy of the finished product if it is print-based. Lucky you!

For now I’m working on it, and I hope it goes well. It’s a one girl team now. I wish I could find somebody else to help out, but no one seems to be interested. I may have to do some sweet talking.

But yes, send your submissions! Now, I say! Be sure to include a name [or go anonymous if you choose]. If I decide to use your work, I will email you back to let you know.

EDIT: I will gladly accept movie, music, and book reviews.

Chicken or the egg?

2009-04-05T11:43:00.003-04:00

In my research, I am horribly confused. It seems that if you have BDD, you can't have Anorexia Nervosa, because AN has its own set of body image issues. Yet, I am finding that apparently you can be both. DSM Criteria states:

"A. Preoccupation with imagined defect in appearance. If slightly physical anomaly is present, the person's concern is markedly excessive.

"B. The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

"C. The preoccupation is not better accounted for by another mental disorder [e.g., disatisfaction with body shape and size in Anorexia Nervosa."

It's confusing because you have people saying it's possible or they just don't quite know.

I'm doing my research, trying to be as thorough as I can be. What I am writing has a lot to do with my experiences with BDD/ED myself, along with others I have known to have one of the disorders [I can't say I've met anyone else with BDD, but if anyone is reading this, speak up. I don't bite that hard].

I've been reading books upon books trying to figure out where eating disorders come from. I'm finding some interesting things. I definitely have to thank the UVA Biology/Psychology library for its extensive collection of books referencing to EDs. Some of the ones I have may be clinical, but they have good information for me to use.

I think it's just that human quest. A quest to figure out why you have become you. I think everyone goes through this at one point in their life, and right now seems to be my time.

Simultaneously, I am working on a book review for The End of Alice by A.M. Homes. I used to write reviews a lot back in the day, and I'm thinking it's high time I get back to work. A.M. Homes seems to be a place to start, because her books seem to be so controversial, especially The End of Alice, which to me is completely taboo. In fact, the first time I attempted to read the book, I had to put it away for a while. It was a bit disturbing to me. Same on the lines when it comes to J.T. LeRoy's books.

Still, I have to re-read and finish the book, so it might take a while. I don't know if this book will be hard for me to read still, since in the past it could have just been my own state of mind getting in the way as always.

Algebra has taken the back burner. I really need to get on top of that, but I have time tomorrow before class.

I have no clue about where I am in photography. He is never clear. I don't like him. 1. He plays favorites. 2. He expects us to know how to do everything, so don't bother asking questions. 3. He is unclear on when things are do [he has one set date, but then he changes it again and again. it's plain confusing].

I wish I would have listened to Jon Hill and got one of the Professor Blacks as my photography teacher. Apparently they skip the pinhole coffee can camera shit and go straight into 35mm. That would have been wonderful.

Today is a lazy day. Perhaps I will get some sort of work done. I'm planning on reading 100 pages, then maybe write a little. I don't know. This whole "writing for myself" thing...I hope it works out.

I've be nostalgic again lately [oh no]. This chick and I had a magazine back in the day called Dismembered. We had a nice two years of publication, a magazine every three months. It contained everything from politics to alternative lifestyles. I really dug where we took it. It may have been cheaply made, but zine collectors were still interested [I never knew people collected zines up until I worked on Dismembered].

Well, Dismembered disbanded. We went our seperate ways. It wasn't that we didn't like working with each other, moreso we got caught up in our own lives. I was starting college, and she was finishing up school. It was a very busy time.

Since then I have lost all contact with my zine buddy, and it kinda makes me sad. Lately, I have been thinking back and wondering if I could possibly reproduce Dismembered by myself. I have procured a book on bookbinding and publishing your own work. I think I could possibly do it if I had good content. Photos, writings, art. It was all very underground and dark. I loved that magazine, and I would love to do it justice.

So you may see me soon asking for submissions for the new Dismembered soon. Maybe sometime in late May. I have all summer free to work on it, minus a job, and it may take me longer, because it will be a one man [girl] persuit.

Speaking of jobs, it is possible that I may have a secured job at Ritz Camera in the mall. I would be ecstatic to work at a place like that. Both my boyfriend and my Mom know the manager fairly well, and Nyal actually used to work there. She told me to call her back in late April, because they are outsourcing a guy and another dude is graduating from college and will be leaving the job. So two openings. Sounds wonderful to me. Maybe a job that I'd be good at.

I also have to mention. By now a reader should know that Algebra is one of my most hated classes. I just can't seem to grasp the concept. Last semester when I took it [and failed], there was one chapter test that got me. The dreaded CHAPTER 4!!!

Well, I took my chapter 4 test this past week. I felt insecure about it, even though this time around I seemed to get it.

I got an 83. Low B on our grading scale, which is still wonderful. I am maintaining a middle to high B average in that class.

AWESOME!

I made it!

2009-04-01T12:54:00.002-04:00

This is my 100th post. Yay!

I can say that since I started writing in this blog over a year ago a lot has changed.

I'm having to teach myself how to be an adult. I feel my emotionally growth has been stunted by so many other things. It seems that these other things are fading away leaving me with no choice other than to grow up.

I hopefully get my Algebra test results back today. I don't think I did as bad as I thought. Watch me speak too soon.

I finished my photography project and handed it in. I also developed some slides. We don't have class Thursday which means I can sleep in.

The La Mere Vipere show didn't go as well as I had planned. Let's just leave it at that.

I believe there is a show tonight for those in the Charlottesville area at the Outback Lodge. Accumulator Syndrome will be playing.

I've taken two whole days to slack off. I need to get back on doing school work.

Yesterday, I went to the Psych/Bio library on the UVA campus. It had everything. I found it pretty exciting to be in a place like that. Sometimes I wish I could go to UVA. Their resources are amazing.

I also made a Day of the Dead shirt at the Black Cat on the corner in Charlottesville. They're a pretty cool place. They do a lot of screen printing along with being a skateboard shop.

I have not much to say for this post. Hope all is well out there.

Post #99

2009-03-28T15:07:00.005-04:00

One away from 100, I see now.

I'm at Nyal's house, waiting for him to shave so we can go to Richmond and La Mere Vipere at some sushi place.

I'm in it for the bubble tea. And also it would be nice to see the band.

I'm on spring break now, and this is probably the most eventful thing that will happen to me. Otherwise I've been taking pictures for photography class and forcing myself to do some Algebra. I do not look forward to the Algebra test on Monday. I also do not look forward to that final pinhole camera picture that will take me an hour.

I got drunk the other night with a friend of mine and his friends. I wasn't planning on getting drunk, but I did. Then I watched Twilight and laughed my ass off.

But my stomach has been funky ever since. Jack Daniels and I have a love hate relationship. My stomach feels empty and achy now. I ate something this morning like I've been told to do, but still. Bad stomach.

I went downtown to the camera shop with my Dad yesterday to pick up some lens caps [ours magically disappear]. They have so much neat stuff, including a display of many old and odd cameras. I wish I had my own dark room.

Well, it's probably getting time to leave for Richmond. Any pictures I take will be taken with my phone [I didn't bring my camera], so forgive me.

It's nice to know people are reading.

Post # 98

2009-03-22T13:26:00.000-04:00

So, I'm currently in a van heading back to Virginia. My weekend was pretty eventful. Hung out with my cousin the entire time.

Having to come home kinda sucks. I have a lot to do. Well, maybe not too much, but still.

I'm nearing my 100th post. That is excitingly, although I know most of the posts are extremely unimportant.I wish I had something important to talk about, but life is trivial and boring.

I'm listening to Elliott Smith's album From A Basement On The Hill. For those who don't know of Elliot Smith, I really recommend checking out his album Roman Candle.It has to be one of my favorite albums of all time.

It is sad that he passed away. After hearing New Moon, I really wondered what he would have done next.

Everything is whizzing by again. For some reason car rides bother me if I'm not driving.Instead I keep my eyes to my phone, writing this post.

I know this is going to have a lot of grammatical errors. Stupid fill in text on BlackBerrys are to blame.

I just might be going to a party Tuesday. I was invited. Problem is that I have a therapist appointment on Tuesday now. My therapist is a hour or so away from where I live. Maybe I can make it on time. Who knows...

Well, time to enjoy the scenery.

Going to West Virginia

2009-03-20T12:24:00.000-04:00

I'm doing this as a test. This is my first time blogging with my phone.It should be interesting.

So as my blog post title implies, I am currently in a van heading to good old WV. At least I get to see my cousin. I feel like I haven't seen her in forever.

Going through all the mountains fucks with my ears.

I finally went to photography class yesterday. Wow, do I have some catching up to do. I have to take a whole roll of film [some 30. Odd pictures] and finish taking one photo to finish up my pin hole camera project. That pin hole picture will at least an hour to do. Gah, I wish I wasn't such a procrastinator.

For the 35mm project I have to take 10 photos each of 3 objects from different angles, lighting, etc. I haven't even snapped on picture yet. I have an idea for one item. Nyal have me this baby shark in a bottle when we first started dating. I thought that would make for interesting subject matter.

Otherwise, I don't know what I'm going to take pictures of.

It's spring break for me, so I have a lot of time to work on schoolwork. I'm just unable to use the school's dark room which sucks.instead I have to work on the pin hole project all Monday after or before Algebra class. Not to mention I have to develop and cut the sides from my 35mm project. I did it for the first time last Monday. It took me two fucking hours. I'm hoping the second time isn't so long.

The road is running by so fast. Everything is a blur, it kinda makes me sick.My eyes have a hard time adjusting.

My two therapist appointments a week are going just fine. It's horribly uncomfortable sometimes, but I think we're getting somewhere.

I'm not sure how this entry will turn out since I am updating it with my BlackBerry. It has fill in text, so some of the words may not be right. I apologize. I don't think people are reading anymore anyways. My life has become pretty boring.

So, I'm sitting here, bored, smoking like mad, trying to figure out something to be said. It seems that the most important things worth saying can't be said.

Post #96

2009-03-18T13:51:00.001-04:00

I ended up having some cold thing. I’ve been taking Emergen-C to combat it. It tastes like chemical crap. I chug it though. It seems to be making me feel a bit better.

I’ve been playing guitar a lot lately. I think I’m almost ready to record with Nyal. Nyal’s band Accumulator Syndrome is doing very well. They recorded new stuff recently that is awesome, and I can’t wait until it’s out on CD or on Myspace.

I have Algebra today. Enough said.

Friends and I talked about horror movies earlier. I have to say I look forward to watching the rest of the Hellraiser movies.

I still haven’t watched The Fly, which apparently is a movie that everyone must see. I have it rented from Blockbuster.

I need to finish my photography project with the pinhole coffee can camera still. Maybe I’ll finish it today if I don’t get too tired. It’s nice out. I do have another project due using the 35mm cameras. I'll probably work on it tonight.

I missed photography class yesterday, and I hope I didn’t miss anything important. I was too sick.

Still, I had an appointment in Charlottesville to see my therapist. Since we’re now seeing each other twice a week for a while, I find myself unable to think of much to say. We’re working on rebalancing my life. It should prove to be interesting.

I did hang out with Nyal though. We went to Barnes & Noble to pick up a book on how to make books. Funny as it sounds. I am wholly interested in producing my own books. I know Deborah Brandon produces her own books, and they are as aesthetically pleasing as they are wonderful to read.

I also snatched a fashion magazine. I’m not supposed to have them. They don’t aid my eating disorder well. But this one actually had an article in it I wanted to read, even though I have to swim through a see of thin legs and flat stomachs.

I’ve been eating better. This morning I actually ate breakfast. A banana. Not much really, but I never eat breakfast. Or lunch for that matter. Or sometimes dinner. It’s all a mess. I’m working on it.

Things have become so complicated. With the extra therapist appointment weekly, I’m finding out that a lot of the patterns of thoughts and actions that comfort me are wrong. I have to relearn things. I get so confused that I don’t even know where I start or stop. I am put on the spot and told to fix this and fix that when I just want to fix myself with a gun to my head. I’m really tired.

Post #95 [I'm counting down. Or up. Whatever]

2009-03-16T11:23:00.000-04:00

So I am sicker today than yesterday. I might have the flu or something. Yet still I am here at school, trying not to cough or breathe on people while using lots of hand sanitizer.

I wish I didn’t have to be a responsible sick person.

I’m attempting to do homework for Algebra, but it’s proving to be difficult and boring, so instead I’ll write a little.

I believe this is post #95. I am slowly inching my way up to post #100. I doubt post #100 will be anything interesting. Maybe an apology letter? I don’t know.

I’m running on a couple hours of sleep and Red Bull. I was awoken early this morning by the incessant buzzing of my phone next to the bed. My Dad was trying to call me to tell me to let our cats off the porch [we lock them in at night]. I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I did.

My Mom had an appointment at UVA today to deal with her leg issues. She really just needs to take vitamins and exercise. The docs agree. She doesn’t want any of it. My Mom can be stubborn, kinda like me.

So, I had to let the cats off the porch, because my parents weren’t there. I also had to let the exterminator in. I told him to not get too close or he’d get sick. He said a lot of people he had visited have been sick.

So some evil force is lurking giving people the flu. Ew.

I’m proving to get good at this math stuff. I don’t know if I mentioned, but I made a 90% [A] on my last Algebra test. I do feel a bit proud about it, but also I busted my ass to get that grade.

I need to get out of this town seriously. I feel like I’m choking sometimes. I don’t do anything anymore.

Post #94

2009-03-14T20:44:00.000-04:00

I had some wonderfully written post for you all, but alas, it was eaten by the computer.

I have been applying for jobs. Nowhere special really. I do hope Ritz Camera gives me a call. I may not be a camera whiz, but I’m learning quite a bit in class and am interested in learning more outside of class [and getting paid for it nonetheless].

I have to take the final shot with my coffee can pinhole camera. I think it’s all due Tuesday, which means I really need to work Monday. I hope for no rain.

We’ve actually begun to use 35mms. I don’t know how well I am doing. Taking a manual picture proves to be more complicated than once thought. I took my first roll this past week, and it just about killed me at first. I have yet to develop it. We have another roll that needs to be taken by some unknown date [I’m too lazy to look at our assignment sheet]. Both need to be developed. Should prove interesting. Hopefully I don’t lose my mind like I did with the pinhole camera. I still haven’t gained it back completely.

So now my therapist wants to see me twice a week. There’s plenty reason for this, I guess. I don’t know. It’s going to be a lot of money. $60 in co-pays weekly, along with a $70 gas bill. That’s going to be killer. I hope we don’t have to do this for long. I do need it, I mean. It’s just…I don’t know. Maybe this is too personal.

I’m officially addicted to Twitter. I don’t know what happened. I find myself tweeting about most anything. I’m probably the annoying twitter friend. They changed Facebook too. What’s up with that?

I have some bronchial thing going on. To be honest, it’s a reoccurring bronchial thing. I’ve had it a couple times this past year or so. Just a bad cough, sometimes nasty sounding, that makes my chest hurt.

Now, I do smoke. I used to smoke a lot, but nowadays not as much.

Still, doc says my lungs are inflamed. WTF.

Past times I’ve gone to the doc, I’ve received a prescription for an inhaler. The inhaler works wonders, especially if I’m having a monstrous coughing fit.

I keep meaning to put the pictures from Savannah/Jacksonville on my Picasa account. Oops.

Spring break is the week after this one. I will be doing nothing. Probably trying to quickly catch up on assignments. I’m doing well in Algebra [wow], but struggling a little in photography [who would’ve guessed?].

I’m really lazy this weekend. It’s rainy and cold out. It was bad enough I had to go out to return applications today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Nostalgia

2009-03-10T14:23:00.001-04:00

I have been nostalgic today in many ways. This is probably one of the most honest, personal posts you will get from me.

My life was a dream. I was the main character, but yet sometimes it felt as if I were looking at myself, watching my movements, mannerisms, and mimicking.

I was hundreds of miles from anyone who used to know me. I was alone. I had the world at my disposal, but I was sick. I had some stomach thing that caused chronic nausea. Eventually the nausea turned to vomiting.

I remember nights laying awake, watching late shows on TV while playing with my cat. I’d talk to myself about the shows. I wanted someone else there to talk to I think.

I had important phone calls from my boyfriend who was also many miles away. I couldn’t miss them. I felt a deep emptiness when I did. It wasn’t good though. Looking back, I shouldn’t have been the way I was on the phone.

You go so long without human interaction and then when you get it the floodgates explode.

I had a friend named Lauren. She was a straight edge lesbian. She was probably one of the most honest people I’ve met in my life. I loved her because she had ADHD, so she could keep up with me and my mania. We both drank green Monsters and talked quickly to each other, doing strange and rash things. We would laugh. I felt invincible. I’m sure she did too.

The ocean wasn’t far. The smell would cling in the air, thick and sweet. You could even feel the salt on your face sometimes.

Lauren worked at an arcade in the back of a bar on the strip. Kind of a strange place to have an arcade to be honest.

“Yes, dear. Mommy needs to have a drink. Here’s a couple of quarters. Go have some fun.”

Once I caught a woman smoking crack in the bathroom.

I was wasting away physically. I was only on my own for a little while, but yet my weight kept dropping. I kept vomiting up food. Food was an enemy. I feared food.

Downtown was beautiful, many trees with Spanish moss hanging from their branches. It’s one thing I can say I loved and miss. The old buildings sprung high towards the sky, bricks looking as if they could crumble. There was the riverfront, with the smell of freshwater and sounds of moving boats and gulls.

I used to go to the record store downtown and look. After that, I would go to the perfume store and take anything I could with my senses. I loved that store, because when I left, it felt as if I stepped out of another time.

One night I cut up my arms with a switchblade. I’m not sure why. I then went to PetSmart to get some cat food. Not smart.

One night I almost choked on my own vomit.

One night I sat in my bathtub making paper cranes and floating them in the water. My cat watched. She loved to peek over the edge of the bathtub just to check it out. I’d flick water at her for fun, just to watch her freak out for a second.

One night, I was so engrossed in a book that I stayed up all night reading it. Finally it was 9am, and I sat outside on my little patio in my beach chair reading. I remember the way the air felt, the way the sun felt. The way I felt.

I had little moments where everything felt out of place, like it was going horribly wrong and needed to be fixed. I’d oftentimes call my therapist and psychiatrist with these panicked moments. I’d get more meds and sensible common sense. I lacked common sense then. I hardly slept, hardly ate, I had created this little world where I existed. Things were scary, wonderful, horrible, beautiful.

There were two days where I got tattoos. I felt the rush. I felt I needed to mark the occasion onto my skin in permanence. The tattoo artist commented on my bony back.

I was the amazing disappearing girl.

Let’s go back. Far back to the beginning. Before I was ever sick. I had just moved hundreds of miles away. My cousin was visiting.

We were at the beach in the water on our surfboards. I could feel the salt running down my face and slipping through my hair. The sun was on my bared back. I felt at home. I felt like I was right where I belonged. I had never felt like a belonged before in my life.

Most importantly, I was happy. I just didn’t know what awaited for me the months following. I never would have guessed it.

I had to leave the most beautiful place. The most awful place. The scariest place. The most wonderful place. I hope one day I can go back, and everything will just be wonderful again.

Jax photos

2009-03-07T12:48:00.002-05:00

So I caved and joined the Twitter crowd.

I have some random shots I took from the trip to Jacksonville. I realized I hadn't even talked about it. Some of it wasn't so great, but I enjoyed myself from time to time. We made a stop in Savannah, GA for a night. I love that city. It really is beautiful.

Jacksonville is busy, and you wouldn't even know that we're having a recession there. People are out and about, buying stuff, eating stuff, it's so crazy.

My brother is doing great. We had some nice one-on-one time and went out to Jack Rabbits. He had a beer. I had a jack and coke. We had never drank alcohol in front of each other before, much less admit we do drink. It's the restraints of a mormon upbringing, I'm telling you straight up.

I realize now that my brothers and I have little secrets that we hide from the church. I frankly don't have to hide, because I don't even go, but still there's that guilty conscience that the church gives you if you've been going for more than a year. Yes, it only takes that long to fuck it up.

So, I will have my bullshitting photographs up here soon. There's only a few, because I was so distracted by everything else around me.

Concert and junk

2009-03-05T10:16:00.000-05:00

Last night, I saw Ani DiFranco in concert at the Paramount theater in Charlottesville, VA.

First off, the theater was amazing.

g. Large painted ceilings, balcony seating, a fairly large stage. I was glad to finally see the inside of it.
I sat next to some older couple who didn’t seem to be Ani DiFranco fans, more-so yuppies who liked to go to the theater on a Wednesday night. The other seats on the other side of me were free most the night which was nice.

They served wine and beer. I had a small glass of red wine. It was expensive for the amount I got. I also purchased her newer CD, because I have neglected to purchase it.

The show was great. She mainly played a lot of songs I’ve never heard [they were on the new album], but the other songs she played were the ones I had hoped she would play. I love it when that happens.

I didn’t expect her to be tall. I mean, she’s not humongous, but still tall. She also doesn’t shave still after all these years.

I have never seen so many lesbians in my life. It was amazing. I also saw a lot of poor souls being dragged in by their girlfriends. Hey guys, at least there was beer. One dude in particular I watched get up and down repeatedly for the entire show, opening act and all, and coming back with a fresh beer in his hand. Poor guy. My guy probably would have been doing the same thing.

For now I am waiting for photography class to start at 10:20. We’re actually FINALLY going to use film cameras today. Yessssss…I still have to finish up my photography project with the pinhole camera by next Tuesday though [Boooo].

Beautiful yarn

2009-02-25T12:51:00.007-05:00

I started knitting a scarf today. See? The yarn is wonderful. The color is more of a greyish brown. It doesn't show well in the picture, because I took it with my phone. I'm hoping to make the scarf super long and then put tassles on the ends [tassles rock].

I am increasingly excited about going to Jacksonville, FL but also increasingly worried that something will come around and fuck it all up. Oh well, I have to keep a level head and not imagine things are going to turn out badly like I do most of the time. I'm sure I will have fun. In fact, I plan on having fun.

My brother [the one in Jacksonville] dumped his girl lastnight. I think it was a good move. I don't think she would have fit in our family. She was nice and all, but yeah. I hope he's not in a down mood when we go visit. It's only natural to feel bad after a break up. Hopefully seeing us will make him feel better.

I saw Coraline in 3D yesterday. It was a blast. I wish they had more of the black cat in there like they do in the book. The black cat was my favorite character. I definitely recommend seeing the movie. I'm not so sure seeing it in 3D was super awesome. My boyfriend's glasses were fucked up, and mine gave me a headache and made me nauseated for the first 5-10 minutes I wore them.

I'm sure I am still losing my mind, but I'm a functioning insane person at the moment.

NOTE: I'm sorry there are no paragraph breaks. Blogger is choosing to make my post fucked up. Perhaps I will fix it later.

Rambling along...

2009-02-24T09:45:00.003-05:00

I keep writing and re-writing a post, but I’m really getting nowhere with it.

My BDD has been really bad lately. Constant switching and morphing, my body feeling the way it does. It’s uncomfortable, like tossing and turning in bed when you can’t sleep. I feel that if I put my body in different positions, the feeling would go away. Maybe if I looked in the mirror in a different position, that would go away too.

I think my BDD comes out when stress levels are high. I’m supposed to identify triggers in my workbook. Stress is the big one of them all, television following suit.

What made me like this? Are my chemicals naturally this out of whack? I’m medicated on three mood stabilizers, two antipsychotics, and one antidepressant. Still, I manage to feel the way I do.

“How does your BDD affect your life?” Taken from my BDD workbook.

Well, for one I can’t look at myself naked. I can’t keep from comparing myself to other people, either real or in magazines and TV. I constantly mirror check.

On a good day, I mirror check about four to six times. On a bad day, it can go up to 20 times [I’m estimating]. This involves me looking in mirrored surfaces, such as glass doors, as well. I will get so uncomfortable that I will actually get up and leave class just to go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. Mirror checking is a huge problem for me.

Then there’s the “not eating” thing. I won’t even get into that. Let’s just leave it at, “I’m working on it.”

Let’s talk about something else.

Hopefully I will be finishing my photography project today. I’m tired of taking fifty million pictures of an old Neurontin pill bottle. It looks/sounds interesting, but after 20 frames on a pinhole camera [no viewfinder], it totally becomes a pain in the ass.

It can be fun though, so I shouldn’t bitch too much.

Today I am going to Charlottesville. I hope to see Coraline at the movies. Coraline, the book by Neil Gaiman, was very entertaining. I read it a couple years back. I’m glad it has been made into a movie, although you never hear Neil Gaiman’s name in the credits on commercials. Oh well. I'll either see that movie or stay in the house and watch The Fly or some other movie.

I just hope today is a better day than yesterday. I've been saying that for the past couple of days now. I think it's working.

Dude, what's wrong with your fuckin' pants?

2009-02-21T23:15:00.005-05:00

I have a pet peeve.

Calling all ladies! I'm sure you've dealt with this before.

I'm sitting here in my size 9/10 pants. They're a little loose, but I like them.

Anyway, I went shopping this evening for shorts for a special trip [will address later]. I all of a sudden wear a size 15.

Wow. [that's all I can say for a second]

This is not the first time this has happened, though it has not happened in quite some time. I think it's a womanly thing. I've learned to try on my close religiously before purchasing to save myself the hassle of exchanging items all over again.

Still, I will never know exactly what size pants I wear. Same goes for shirts. Stupid motherfuckers.

In other news, I'm going to Jacksonville, FL [explains the shorts. It may not be too warm, but better safe than sorry] to see my brother Jon. He's in some band that tours with some other bands around the U.S. Sorry, I have no clue what the name of his band is. All I know is that his band members can be slightly obnoxious.

Still, I am excited to see him and also go on a mini road trip. Jon has lived in Jacksonville for years, and my Mom and I have yet to visit although my brother Ben and my Dad have. Mom doesn't like planes. She doesn't like car rides either. I plan to hear her bitch and moan.

I'm also happy to say that I will be taking a trip with my crazy cousin Hayley to Tulsa, OK in May for some MOE Hanson event. Should be interesting and will post pictures.

Also, Ani DiFranco. March 4th. Woo. Got my ticket in the mail the other day. I hope she doesn't disappoint. I am so picky when it comes to her.

And I found out Ben Folds is touring. He's coming to Fredericksburg. I would like to go if schedule and money permits. Lots of bands to see this spring.

Lately I've been listening to Mclusky. They're pretty amazing for some old school hardcore garage rock punk.

Sadly, I must go. I am watching the old Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Even though I've seen it a million times, but whateva.

Through difficulty

2009-02-18T11:49:00.003-05:00

Algebra test today. For once I feel slightly prepared for the material being covered.

I took a shitload of pictures of a pill bottle for Photography class. We’re doing something called the glorified object, which means you just pick some random object and take a million pictures of it until it’s centered and takes up 60% of the photograph. Mine may not be taking up 60% of the photograph, but that’s fine by me. The pill bottle looks a little crooked too, but I don’t feel like being a real perfectionist about it. The pictures I chose look good to me.

Things have been complicated lately [I’m blaming it on PMS, but whatever]. I fight between wanting to be alone and wanting to be insanely close to someone. I sometimes get into a state of “extremes” sometimes. I’m extremely this or extremely that. That kinda thing. It’s frankly annoying that I have trouble harnessing my emotions. This is something I’m learning. Self control.

The Bipolar thing doesn’t help. I’m so used to letting my emotions out and letting them run as a wild as they want to run. I can’t do that anymore. It’s time to grow up and learn some self-restraint. I can’t go on the rest of my life emotionally alienating everyone around me through my flip flopping moods.

My medication is fine. I don’t think there is anything else to be done about that. I really need to have more therapy.

I’m just starting to crack Peter Schaffer’s Amadeus. Apparently they don’t sell it on Amazon.com, so the link in the Books I’m Reading section is completely pointless. I got my copy at a used bookstore called Blue Whale Books in Charlottesville, Virginia. I’ve never seen the movie, so it’s nice to read the play first. I really enjoyed Peter Schaffer’s Equus. The first amazingly disturbing play I have ever read.

I’ve been slow at reading lately. Used to be I’d get in about two books a week, now I’m lucky to read 100 pages a week.

I’m writing more now, privately. Playing guitar. Knitting. Simple things. I feel a little more attached back into reality that way...whatever that is.

Oh yeah, and I took some pictures of Long Haired Bear at the Muse coffee shop. Check them out here. Not too exciting, I guess, if you don't know the dudes.

I'm pretty much done with this. Someone else want to take over?

Animal Album

2009-02-10T21:29:00.001-05:00

My animal album is up right here. Nothing special really.

I was supposed to work with my pinhole coffee can camera today, but I didn't. Rough night. Really rough night.

Things are not going well.

New books, New photo album.

2009-02-09T13:16:00.002-05:00

So, new books on the reading list. Unbearable Weight and Pledged. Yeah, they're both in kinda the same women's lit sorta vein, but I guess I'm in that type of mood.

I'm attempting to make a photo album for animals. The photographs need to be resized though, and I'm just way too lazy to do it right now.

I skipped Algebra class. I have a friend who takes notes though.

Tomorrow I will be taking pictures with my coffee can pinhole camera for the first time. Wish me luck.

Today I'm going to take it easy. Gotta hit up the pharmacy for some drugs and mascara, then head off to the record store to look for some CDs. Sounds fun, but like I said...I am lazy.

Home again.

2009-02-08T23:15:00.001-05:00

So I made it home safe from my trip to Morgantown, WV. It was fun hanging out with my cousin Hayley.

I feel a bit sad being home. I have to go back to real life. School. Blah.

I took pictures of Morgantown and Pittsburgh [we took a day trip]. The pictures aren't all that great but the Morgantown pictures can be seen here, and Pittsburgh here.

It's late. I can't sleep.

Photos

2009-02-04T12:56:00.002-05:00

I've been posting some of my photography on Picasa.

The pictures from the Accumulator Syndrome and Long Haired Bear shows are up, along with pictures I have taken before that. I find it easier to share them that way.

That's all. Nothing much going on. Going to WV to visit my cousin in Morgantown for the first time in years. I mean, I see her when we visit Charleston, but I've only been to Morgantown once when I was 15 or 16. It's exciting. More pictures, I'm sure. We might go to Pittsburg.

I don't have anything else to say.

What day is it?

2009-02-02T12:49:00.002-05:00

I have a test today. I'm a horrible test taker. Supposedly this can be fixed through perfect preparation. I'm bad at this. I hope it goes well.

In other news, I finally read the play Equus [and not because Harry Potter gets naked].

I found it to be very insightful, disturbing, etc.

I don't know how to really describe Equus, but I'm hoping to write something on it soon.

Otherwise, mood has been up and down as usual. I'm surviving. Almost.

My website!

2009-01-30T13:07:00.002-05:00

I'm actually making a post and I'm not even at school. WOW!

I made a website to house some writings, music, etc. It's on angelfire.com though, which is full of ads. Very disappointing. But I guess it's okay. I don't have much up yet.

http://mutejunky.angelfire.com

If anyone knows about a better website provider, let me know please.

Ice storm

2009-01-28T13:02:00.004-05:00

It's cold and wet. Ice is clinging to the trees, but nowhere else. I'm disappointed.

I finished my camera. It's beautiful. I can't wait to test it out tomorrow.

It seems like as far as school goes, I am accomplishing what needs to be accomplished.

My personal life though leaves much to be desired. I often times feel that this is an inescapable rut. Everything around me is wonderful, but I am feeling like a failure.

I feel this guilt that is weighing 100 pounds on my chest. I can't push it away. It's glued down onto me. I wouldn't dare say what I feel guilty about. It's multiple things, but I couldn't ever write it here. It is one of those things that is too personal for a blog.

This blog has kinda become a bitchfest. It's boring. It's really all about me, which is what I was afraid would happen. I would love to ditch this depression and write again. I miss my movie analysis, my record reviews, my comments on the days of psychiatry we are experiencing.

I would give anything to have my life back. Anything.

It's been two years. Long years. I am still stagnant. I'm gathering flies.

I know people here are listening. I get emails. I appreciate that. To me this blog is just me talking. It's nice to have people interested in the boring, droning things I say.

Thank you. My day may be a bit brighter now.

Thank you.

Unisphere.

2009-01-26T12:51:00.005-05:00

Can I really talk about anything else?

My mind is in such a fog that I don't even think I can escape it.

My face is no longer in the mirror, but I can feel it when I touch it.

The dissociation is freaking me out.

I'm still alive though, even though I am afraid to die.

Lighter notes: I bought a package of photography materials for class. It was expensive.

I'm also caught up in Algebra.

They changed the manufacturer of my Wellbutrin XL and also started me on generic Lamictal to be taken at night [all 200mg].

Stevens-Johnson Syndrome freaks me out. Apparently a side effect if you mess too much with Lamictal and other drugs. Lamictal has a black box warning.

I have only been on two black box warning medications in my life. Lamictal and Gabitril. Gabitril, all the while being an anti-seizure medication used for psychiartic purposes, can cause seizures in patients who take it withou having a seizure disorder.

Nice.

I don't have much else to say. I haven't been playing guitar much. No writing. Not much reading.

It snowed today for an hour, but it all melted away. We are supposed to get some wintry weather in this area within the next couple of days. This excites me. I am still not done making my tin can camera for photography class, so the weather would give me extra time to work on it.

It's really time for me to have class though, so perhaps I will cut it off here.

You should have told me, Goddammit.

2009-01-21T12:52:00.005-05:00

No one told me a book was fairly recently released where Jack Kerouac and William S. Burroughs collaborated. The title of the book is And the Hippos Were Boiled In Their Tanks and was released last November. I'm excited about it, being a huge Burroughs fan [not so much Kerouac].

This is for those who don't know about it already. If you did, damn you for not telling me.

Algebra is going well. I'm one section behind, which isn't too bad. I still have time to catch up.

We're building a pinhole camera in Photography class. It's not too complicated, but I think I'm making it out to be harder than it really is.

All in all, things are well. Moods stabilized. No knock down drag out fights, moodiness, and general instability. I'm sleeping well, exercising, doing what I can to complement my mental state. Basically, I am doing all the things I should be doing when I'm not mentally there. My psychiatrist and therapist are seeing an improvement in me. No new medications or medication adjustments. This is good. I am doing well. It feels nice. But for how long will it last? This I do not know, and it's one worry that plagues me.

I try not to think about it, but it is still there, gnawing.

Back in school

2009-01-14T12:56:00.004-05:00

I am back.

School, bummer.

This semester is Algebra and Photography, which I may have already covered in the previous post.

I have yet to do any Algebra homework. Old habits die hard.

Photography is exciting. I'm kinda pissed though. The professor wanted us to have cameras without a zoom lense. The only film camera I have has a zoom lense. I don't know if he'll work with me on that. If he doesn't, I'm not buying a new camera and I will have to drop the class.

My personal life is flip-flopping. As usual. It seems to be out of my hands.

I quit writing, but I am playing guitar more nowadays. Writing songs. Perhaps I should play coffee houses [I hate them with a passion].

I honestly don't have much to say. It has been a problem as of late.

Where did I go?

2009-01-04T18:45:00.005-05:00

The little things that make me happy I cling to.

I have tickets to see Ani DiFranco in Charlottesville. I may not like her much now, but when I was a teenager she spoke to me in a lesbian feminist kinda way. It should prove to be an interesting night that may deserve a flaming blog post. I can only hope I can enjoy myself. She can sound like a monkey sometimes, uses horns too much, and likes to vocalize randomly.

For whom it may concern, I failed last semester's Algebra. Yeah, I was just too far behind to catch up in time for the finals. I just quit going. That is kinda why I haven't been posting. I posted mostly before class.

I am now the proud owner of a Nikon D60.

I finished the last book from the Twilight series. It sucked.

Next semester I am taking Algebra again. I need to pass it this time, because there is a slim chance I can take it again after this time around. Also taking Photography I. That I am excited about.

I've been trying the exercising thing. 30+ minutes a day, mainly jogging or biking. It's not much, but I think my mood improves after I work out. I ended up buying some 8 pound weights today, which was a bitch to lug around at my local megastore.

I'm so out of shape. I have sqeak toys for muscles.

With the year or so of not eating much and the fibromyalgia, I have probably lost a lot of muscle mass. Gotta build those bitches back up.

I have in my possession a VHS copy of a live performance of The Birthday Party. I watch it repeatedly. I'm sure if I fell asleep I would have nightmares. I love it. Sadly though, it is not mine so I will soon have to part with it.

That's okay. I got a new Judas Priest record.

Fuck yes.

I also caved and bought The Tales of Beedle the Bard, J.K. Rowling. It's cutesy.

I've been playing a lot of Animal Crossing on DS. Something resembling crack is hidden in that game. I swear it, but no one has found it out yet. I also have Spore Creatures, which I'm finding to be difficult. I can't get past killing the first guy dammit.

I'm re-reading books. Listed on the right. There's some good ones you should check out if you haven't already.

I saw Milk. It was a very intense film. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

This is as much as I need to say, I think.

Novel / Novella

2008-12-08T10:56:00.007-05:00

Christmas is getting closer [cue, "Dun, Dun, Dunnnn"]. Christmas has been horrible for me as of late. Last year sucked. I was in the hospital for Thanksgiving and Christmas was like recovery for me, but I still lost it.

I'm holding it together, I think.

Today I started the beginnings of a re-write of "Swallow. Choke. Repeat", the actual novel and not the groupings of writings I labeled as such. I wrote the novel originally in high school for my creative writing class, because we were participating in NaNoWriMo.

For those who don't know what NaNoWriMo, it stands for National Novel Writing Month. It takes place primarily in November [missed it this year]. From NaNoWriMo, I produced two novels before I finished high school, which I consider a great accomplishment.

Problem is these novels no longer hold the appeal they once had. So a rewrite seems to be the best remedy to the situation. The plots are strong enough, just the accompaning writing is not.

What can you expect from trying to write a novel in a month? It's more of a novella to be honest, but I'm sure I could pull off another novella, maybe a novel if I'm lucky. Hell, I could just do a short story if I wanted.

At the moment, my main focus is school and trying to get these loose ends tied up. I have a lot to catch up on in Algebra. I have a test to retake, a test this Friday, and tons of only homework and quizzes to do by the end of this week before we have finals next week.

Medical Terminology seems to be fine. I just have to look over some previously taken tests tomorrow in class as a study tactic so I will be able to attack finals.

So school is coming to an end, which means less bitching from me about stress and the like. Next semester [if I pass Algebra] should be a breeze. I can work on photography and possibly get a job at a drugstore to put my foot in the door for my Pharmacy Technology major.

These Algebra tests are intense for me though, so I may not pass.

I haven't seen my therapist in over a month. I believe I was supposed to see him last Thursday, but I got the times wrong I think. Instead of 2:30pm, I was there at 4pm. I didn't bother even showing up. I called him to try and find out when exactly my appointment was on Thursday, but I have yet to receive a response.

This bothers me.

I expect prompt responses, but it may be a little too much. Perhaps I should just chill out and wait. If I don't receive a response today, I'm going to call him again tomorrow.

Goddammit.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

2008-12-04T10:51:00.003-05:00

It’s torture. Knowing your bodies shape differs from day to day.

I feel like I want to disappear.

Either I’m fat or thin. I don’t know. These things bother me.

Sometimes I feel my body swell, and I cave emotionally.

Whereas, if my body thins down to skeletal, I feel free.

I know it is probably common for women to have strange relationships with their bodies, but I think this has gone too far. I am either the amazing shrinking girl or the amazing growing girl. One or the other, often times depending on my moods.

Sometimes I feel so huge that I don’t want to leave the house. I’m afraid people will see me. I wear baggy clothes and hide under my blankets, all the while wishing the affliction away.

For me, my BDD circles around my weight and facial features.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and my eyes are a blur, a stretch of misty skin I can barely see through. Sometimes it's my mouth.

I don't know if the doc is correct about my BDD diagnosis, but something is wrong. I know it is.

Today is just one of those days. I feel vain, probably because I am.

Common Craziness

2008-12-03T15:08:00.001-05:00

Taken from Handmark News on my fancy schmancy Blackberry:

1 in 5 young adults has personality disorder

Dec 2, 2008 7:47 AM EST

CHICAGO - Almost one in five young American adults has a personality disorder that interferes with everyday life, and even more abuse alcohol or drugs, researchers reported Monday in the most extensive study of its kind.

The disorders include problems such as obsessive or compulsive tendencies and anti-social behavior that can sometimes lead to violence. The study also found that fewer than 25 percent of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.

One expert said personality disorders may be overdiagnosed. But others said the results were not surprising since previous, less rigorous evidence has suggested mental problems are common on college campuses and elsewhere.

Experts praised the study's scope - face-to-face interviews about numerous disorders with more than 5,000 young people ages 19 to 25 - and said it spotlights a problem college administrators need to address.

Study co-author Dr. Mark Olfson of Columbia University and New York State Psychiatric Institute called the widespread lack of treatment particularly worrisome. He said it should alert not only "students and parents, but also deans and people who run college mental health services about the need to extend access to treatment."

Counting substance abuse, the study found that nearly half of young people surveyed have some sort of psychiatric condition, including students and non-students.

Personality disorders were the second most common problem behind drug or alcohol abuse as a single category. The disorders include obsessive, anti-social and paranoid behaviors that are not mere quirks but actually interfere with ordinary functioning.

The study authors noted that recent tragedies such as fatal shootings at Northern Illinois University and Virginia Tech have raised awareness about the prevalence of mental illness on college campuses.

They also suggest that this age group might be particularly vulnerable.

"For many, young adulthood is characterized by the pursuit of greater educational opportunities and employment prospects, development of personal relationships, and for some, parenthood," the authors said. These circumstances, they said, can result in stress that triggers the start or recurrence of psychiatric problems.

The study was released Monday in Archives of General Psychiatry. It was based on interviews with 5,092 young adults in 2001 and 2002.

Olfson said it took time to analzye the data, including weighting the results to extrapolate national numbers. But the authors said the results would probably hold true today.

The study was funded with grants from the National Institutes of Health, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the New York Psychiatric Institute.

Dr. Sharon Hirsch, a University of Chicago psychiatrist not involved in the study, praised it for raising awareness about the problem and the high numbers of affected people who don't get help.

Imagine if more than 75 percent of diabetic college students didn't get treatment, Hirsch said. "Just think about what would be happening on our college campuses."

The results highlight the need for mental health services to be housed with other medical services on college campuses, to erase the stigma and make it more likely that people will seek help, she said.

In the study, trained interviewers, but not psychiatrists, questioned participants about symptoms. They used an assessment tool similar to criteria doctors use to diagnose mental illness.

Dr. Jerald Kay, a psychiatry professor at Wright State University and chairman of the American Psychiatric Association's college mental health committee, said the assessment tool is considered valid and more rigorous than self-reports of mental illness. He was not involved in the study.

Personality disorders showed up in similar numbers among both students and non-students, including the most common one, obsessive compulsive personality disorder. About 8 percent of young adults in both groups had this illness, which can include an extreme preoccupation with details, rules, orderliness and perfectionism.

Kay said the prevalence of personality disorders was higher than he would expect and questioned whether the condition might be overdiagnosed.

All good students have a touch of "obsessional" personality that helps them work hard to achieve. But that's different from an obsessional disorder that makes people inflexible and controlling and interferes with their lives, he explained.

Obsessive compulsive personality disorder differs from the better known OCD, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, which features repetitive actions such as hand-washing to avoid germs.

OCD is thought to affect about 2 percent of the general population. The study didn't examine OCD separately but grouped it with all anxiety disorders, seen in about 12 percent of college-aged people in the survey.

The overall rate of other disorders was also pretty similar among college students and non-students.

Substance abuse, including drug addiction, alcoholism and other drinking that interferes with school or work, affected nearly one-third of those in both groups.

Slightly more college students than non-students were problem drinkers - 20 percent versus 17 percent. And slightly more non-students had drug problems - nearly 7 percent versus 5 percent.

In both groups, about 8 percent had phobias and 7 percent had depression.

Bipolar disorder was slightly more common in non-students, affecting almost 5 percent versus about 3 percent of students.

Wild hair up my ass

2008-12-01T10:58:00.002-05:00

So I feel the need to plug this band, Th' Legendary Shack Shakers.

I saw them while I lived in Wilmington, NC at the Soapbox on my 20th birthday. It was the best live show I had ever seen.

Their music is a mix of bluegrass/country/polka/rock n roll/blues. Hope you like.

Japan

2008-11-30T16:22:00.003-05:00

Sometimes when I'm feeling at my worst, I imagine that I'm planning a trip to Japan.

Maybe I'd hit Tokyo first and head to Kyoto. I want to go to Sakaiminato where they have the Shigeru Mizuki museum and streets. His stories are so strange and amazing. I think Japanese folklore is much more interesting than any I've ever heard.

A good movie to watch is The Great Yokai War. I believe Shigeru Mizuki had a part in it, but it's like a child's movie with a message. Not to mention, it's the tamer of Takashi Miike's films.

Thanks, Mom.

2008-11-25T10:50:00.004-05:00

I am anxious once again.

This anxiety is killing me.

Finals are coming round, Dec. 16th or some point thereafter.

I am very behind which bothers me terribly.

I dream about text, proof-reading, writing, remembering what teachers bitched at me for. I used too many commas, I'm not keeping in tense, I'm hopping around from subject to subject. I do it a lot. My train of thought is akin to a scared rabbit.

I'm no longer much of a writer. I'm alive, living and breathing. I am here, concentrating and examining. I think maybe if I let things sink in enough, inspiration will come again. I feel it at my fingertips.

I'm glad to see some people reading this. I'm sorry I cannot give you any more than my own personal bullshit.

I am late on my Hepatitis A+B vaccine. I am supposed to take two a month apart then one six months later. I took my first vaccine on Oct. 22th, and was told to come back the 23rd. Well, the 22rd was a Saturday, 23th a Sunday, and I completely forgot the 24th. Hopefully I'm not too late. I'm going today.

Today my mood is resentful, even hateful. I am frustrated with my Mother, who never seems to listen to my advice. After all, I am the child in the situation, but I am 21 years of age. I should be taken a bit more seriously.

She needs to see doctors. She has a GP that is killing her. She needs to see a rheumatologist and a psychiatrist.

Funny thing about some older people, they would rather go to the GP for meds than a psychiatrist. Maybe they think it's because going to a psychiatrist means you really are nuts. I think you're even more nuts to go to your GP for psych drugs, because they aren't specialists. I'm big on specialists.

It's also funny to see a GP think that he/she can cure all ailments and give no referrals. If I was a doctor [which will never happen] and didn't know how to solve a problem, instead of faking knowledge at my patients expense, I would send them to a specialist. See? Problem solved. But no, they need the money, and they want the patient to keep coming back with the same problem.

Not all doctors do this. I hate to categorize. This is just what I have experienced from doctors. I'd trust a GP if I had a cold, but not if I was psychologically messed up. It's not their place, no matter how much they probably would like to think so.

My Mother is one of those people who visits her GP for psych meds. Of course, these psychiatric medications fail for her, and she doesn't blame her incompetent doctor, but instead blames the medication for not working. She refuses to see a psychiatrist, even though it is entirely in her best interest. She refuses, and I have to deal with whatever off-hand emotion she feels.

It pains me to see her in her states. It's ridiculous how much it affects me. I try and tell her that her lack of proper treatment hurts me and others too.

My Dad is a bystander, seperating himself from my Mother's obvious psychosis. I feel alone in this fight, so most of the time I choose not to fight at all. It's a lost cause. My Mother will probably die feeling just as shitty, if not more, than she does now.

But I love her, even though her carelessness kills me.

They say that some psychiatric disabilities can stem from the Mother. I know mine do in some instances. My Mother always seemed to be unavailable, troubled, hurt. I don't know how to react, so I panic.

Maybe that's my problem. Maybe Freud is right.

I made a 50 on my Algebra test. I can retest though. I really need to pass this class. I would hate to take it over Spring semester.

I am taking photography though. I think it will be good for me. I also wanted to take Anatomy, but if I have to take Algebra over again, I may not be able to take that kind of course load.

Well, all-in-all, I am done blabbing. Enough about writing, enough about life, enough about my school, enough about my crazy, ill Mother.

I'm done.

Or maybe not. I saw Twilight. It wasn't all that great. It was like a love story for the entire movie with some freaky shit put at the end. I won't bother writing a review. It's just not worth it to me at the moment.

Sleep, please. Yes.

2008-11-19T10:50:00.001-05:00

I guess I'm fine. Stress gets to me so easily. I was up half the night with that severe nausea I get when I am unable to control my emotions. It's a horrible feeling. I wish I knew how to explain it.

Swallow. Choke. Repeat. Part I

2008-11-17T10:57:00.004-05:00

This will be just the beginnings of this. I found "Swallow. Choke. Repeat." on an abandoned USB drive. Now I'm planning on finishing it.

"They might as well have told me I have absolutely nothing wrong with me. My blood has been drawn out in tubes, countless. Red. Coagulating. They probably let it sit on their shelf and go on to the next patient. I want to scream at them, tear out their hair, vomit into their mouth. I'm sick, and how is it they can find nothing?

"They take my blood again. I go home and lay in bed for a moment, struggling to slow panicked breaths coming out. Not again. I puke. I puke until my throat bleeds, until I'm crying. But the tears get lost in the wretching, choking sound coming from deep inside of me. There's nothing wrong with me, after all. Why should I worry."

Mani[a]c.

2008-11-14T10:53:00.002-05:00

I am a God. I am invincible. I am nothing, a speck of dust on the floor. I speak in tongues, quick paced and incoherent. I believed in everything, but as soon as I did I would believe in nothing at all.

I am manic. This is my story.

I make paper cranes. Hundreds in my life. My fingers resist papercuts. I am calloused. I am bruised.

I sit naked in the bathtub, paper cranes in my fist. I try to make them float, but the paper dissolves and tears. This breeds anger, frustration, sadness.

Switch.

I am invincible. I am God. I can't die. I dare God to kill me. I see stars behind my eyes. Visions getting blurry now. I am an open sore, but with pain comes enlightenment. I cut until everything is clearer, and inside I burn like a lamp.

My energy is endless. I drive a half an hour to my hang out spot. I am with friends, but at the same time I wasn't. I was self-absorbed. I talked faster than them, ate faster than them, thought faster. I felt invincible. No one could hurt me.

I had a friend named Lauren. She was my witness. She was my comrade. We have grown apart. Her number is changed as much as my view on life has changed. She probably wouldn't like me now. I'm not at exciting, fast-paced, or insane. I think she liked that. She liked pumping me full of caffeine. It was like a wind-up toy; wind it up and watch it spin.

Perhaps that's all friends are. People to watch you break apart, piece together, like some form of entertainment. Maybe that's all friends are to me. I want to see faults, I want to see imperfections. It's human, it's for real. I like "for real". It means I'm not the only honest one.

I was so sick. I was so lonely. I was a mixture of all these strange emotions I had never felt before. I had a psychiatrist. I will never forget him and the way he said,

"Bipolar Disorder."

It took a hospital visit to shake me up and realize that I did have a tangible problem. I needed drugs.

I am no longer strong. I am weak and helpless. I long for that feeling of invincibility, of power, the feeling of being untouchable.

There are so many stories to tell, but out of embarassment I will not bother.

Nightmares

2008-11-10T10:56:00.004-05:00

I only have three minutes.

I keep having vivid dreams that I vaguely remember when I wake up. I think it's because I've been sleeping on a large couch for the past couple days.

My friend is staying with me. I enjoy her company. Sometimes it's better to not be alone. Still, I'm stressed the fuck out. School has taken a back seat to my psychosis.

I'm therapist-less for three more weeks. I have no clue why he took this vacation. He didn't leave me high and dry though. I have a back-up therapist, some woman who is new to the practice but supposedly really good. So if I feel as if I'm going to have a mental breakdown, she is the one I am going to be turning to.

Things seem to be up though. A lot of stress coming this week. I keep praying that things don't turn out worse.

Til then, I drink coffee, accomplish med. term. and math, and help out a friend.

Oh yeah, and I managed to get some interesting books. I bought a book released by Reader's Digest listing information on countless drugs, vitamins, and herbal remedies. I also got a psychiatric-like book on children's nightmares for $3. Then I bought two cookbooks, one for IBS and one for fibromyalgia. Both I have, so the books are very helpful and informative.

I didn't know a lot of people with IBS also have psychiatric issues.

I have to cut this short. Maybe more later.

Elvis and evangelists

2008-11-05T10:56:00.003-05:00

So Obama won. It seems that my vote wasn't in vain. It is sad that McCain practically cried. I believe Obama will help us more. I need that free health care seeing as I'm paying out the ass to see all these doctors for $30 a pop, and I have good insurance. I don't know if that's sarcastic or not.

Halloween was fun. My man and I had some wonderful mexican food at Guadalajara [my spelling of mexican cities is horrible. I apologize]. We then braved the downtown mall of Charlottesville with Mudhouse coffee to look at all the costumed people. There were even street evangelists who were preaching about God, sin, hell, redemption. They were pushy and annoying.

Elvis was standing on the chair next to one preacher basically denouncing everything the preacher said in a much more intelligent and enlightened way. Sadly, he stepped down shortly after we showed up. I'll bet it was a sight to witness.

Right now I'm trying to take my life back. School is taking a toll on me. I have a math test that I skipped yesterday, because I just didn't know the material. I did manage to go to medical terminology class and made an 88 on a test. Still, I missed a test the last week and I am unable to make it up, so there is a 0 on my grade. She drops the bottom two test scores though, so I should be okay as long as I don't fuck up again.

I have to take that math test in the student center today. I'm going to fail. This is disappointing me, stressing me out, increasing my anxiety by ten fold. More Klonopin needed than usual to get by. I'm drinking coffee again too which probably doesn't help.

As I said, I'm trying to take my life back. I'm trying to do things I used to enjoy. Guitar. Reading. Writing. Said things seems to be unreachable. I am a bit lost. Maybe I don't enjoy anything anymore. I don't know. I try.

Photographs II

2008-10-28T16:56:00.010-04:00

As always, please click images for a larger view.

From the Edgar Allen Poe museum in
Richmond, Virginia:

Foliage from Bedford, Virginia:

Old City Cemetary in Lyncburg, Virginia:

I retook some of the foliage pictures just so I had them in color. This set of film didn't turn out like I hoped it would, but whatever.

Foot woes

2008-10-24T11:00:00.003-04:00

So, I have been having foot problems.

I have seen a podiatrist twice in the past six months. It takes forever to get an appointment with this particular doctor, because it seems he is one of the only podiatrists in town.

Our first session he told me it was some strange callous on the ball of my foot. He dug in there with a scalpel, which was surprisingly painless, and I was able to walk pain-free again...for a week.

When I was finally able to see him a month or so later, he resumed the same task: digging in my foot with a scalpel. This time it hurt. 10x more than a tattoo. I had to bite my lip extremely hard to hold it together. But what do you know...no pain. Again for only a couple weeks.

My mother and I wanted to go to his office to give him a piece of our mind [and having a futile hope he may set us up with an appointment sooner than January 2009]. The office was closed, probably a good thing that prevented two angry women from storming in and using colorful language.

Instead, we went next door to the prompt care clinic where I was seen by a doctor with a funny last name. She was quite nice though and had sympathy towards my plight. She took a look and told me it was a plantar wart.

Why didn't my podiatrist say this? All this time he told me it's some weird callous.

In any case, funny last named lady dug into my foot a little bit with little pain, then she sprayed the fuck out of it with nitrous oxide.

Ow.

It still hurts. I saw my general practitioner the next day and got some hydrocodone. Now I am high as a kite. But no pain, which is nice.

I'm assuming the pain will not end here. I will probably have to see doctors over and over again to get this thing removed. Next time it will be numbed. Nyal's mom suggested seeing a dermatologist which seems like an obviously good idea.

Enough about my foot.

Personally

2008-10-20T10:57:00.003-04:00

So as you can see below, I mostly have been taking pictures as an outlet for my depression/anxiety. It helps. I have a whole other roll of pictures taken from Bedford near the parkway and from Richmond. These will be in color once I get the chance to hit up Ritz camera to develop them.

I would really like to learn how to develop pictures myself. I plan on taking a Photography course here at the CC next semester if it's offered.

I may have the flu. Either that or it's the fibromyalgia. The weather suddenly got cold, so it may be. I am the human barometer. All in all, I feel like straight up shit, and I missed a day of work so it means extra cleaning for me.

I have an algebra test tomorrow on graphing equations. This is very hard for me to do, so wish me luck.

Photographs

2008-10-19T16:18:00.011-04:00

Pictures taken in Bedford and Charlottesville, Virginia. I have more, but these were the better ones in my mind. More pictures to come, considering I have another roll to develop. Click for much larger images.

At the moment

2008-10-09T10:53:00.002-04:00

Wikipedia:

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) (previously known as Dysmorphophobia and sometimes referred to as Body dysmorphia) is a psychiatric disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by an imagined or minor defect in their physical features. The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of complete social isolation.

Other than that, I am fine.

Nick Cave will be on Conan O'Brian Friday. Should be worth watching.

Where I have been

2008-10-06T10:51:00.002-04:00

I finally received my camera. I have been taking many pictures that may end up here if I find a proper scanner. I'm getting them developed today, and I hope they turn out right.

October is my favorite month. I'm looking forward to Halloween.

This whole Palin/Biden thing is irritating. Palin doesn't know shit. She comes off as being well spoken, but deep down when you analyze her words, she's no more than an idiot.

I am horribly biased though. And who am I to talk about idiots? I can easily point to myself right now.

I would enjoy free health care. Right now, my insurance company gouges me $30 co-pays for doctor visits. I spend around $200 a month on medications. It's okay for people who only see their doctor for say...twice a year. But I see doctors on a regular basis. My insurance will not cover my psychiatrist, so we're paying $60 a session once to twice a month. My insurance seems to be paying my therapist in full though. But if I need to go to prompt care or my regular GP, it's $30.

$30 is really a nice chunk of money, eh? It adds up.

This is why I am an Obama/Biden supporter. Not the only reason, but a very large one. This is important to me, because I see multiple doctors and take a truck load of medications.

Fox News is obviously making Palin out to be some strong, idealistic woman. It's a ruse. She's a pretty face, speaks well, but all-in-all has nothing to say that hasn't been said before by President Bush.

Enough politics. I am well. Just busy. Looking forward to your emails.

Slacker

2008-09-25T10:53:00.002-04:00

I didn't work yesterday.

I needed a mental health day, I think.

I keep dreaming about Elaine.

I don't know much about reoccuring dreams. Or figures that tend to pop up in a chronic fashion. Sometimes my dreams are repetitive.

All I know is lately I've been having nightmares. I think I can thank the medication for that.

Today I feel good though. I'm going to Charlottesville. Maybe I'll be able to take some random pictures to make myself feel even better.

Normal as it gets

2008-09-24T10:50:00.004-04:00

I'm behind in algebra.

I don't know where my camera has been sent of to, and even more I don't know when I'm getting it back. Jon and I are planning on making a trip to the camera shop to find out.

I miss friends.

My dreams are scaring the hell out of me. Too graphic to write here.

I want to leave town soon before I lose my mind. Somewhere. Maybe Richmond again.

Halloween is coming soon. It's one thing to look forward to.

I have five minutes

2008-09-23T10:55:00.004-04:00

She is intangible. Elaine. Long blonde hair and dark black eyes. When she touches me, I burn. Welts rise on my skin. I know it's a dream, but I feel it as plain as day.

"Where to go tonight," she says.

She repeats this over, and it's the one thing I vaguely remember about this dream.

She has teeth this time. Normal teeth. White as small doves inside her mouth. I almost see a feather escaping her lips.

"Where to go tonight?" The words tumble from my mouth, sounding foreign. Not sounding like my voice. Maybe some voice from her memory taking the place of my own.

We're in the room again. I don't know if we'll ever escape it.

Just an update

2008-09-18T10:53:00.005-04:00

Seems as if Keith Olbermann is magically back on the air. I'm highly excited about this.

I'm behind in schoolwork. I don't know if I care or not. I think I can catch up.

A co-worker of my father made a comment about how the urinals weren't clean. This pisses me off, because I scrub the fuck out of the urinals, because they are perpetually nasty. No offense to any men reading, but men's bathrooms are disgusting. I don't know how they can magically get dirty all within one day, but they do.

So after hearing that my urinals were unclean, I bought a shit load of heavy duty cleaning supplies from the hardware store and scrubbed the fuck out of them.

My urinals are clean now. If anyone complains, my foot will be lodged up their ass.

I really should pay attention in class, but my mind is fluttering to many different subjects. I'm hungry. I want to finish this book. I want a cigarette. When is class over? What am I going to do today after class? Will it be exciting? Nothing really algebra related.

I hate algebra. In fact, I hate all math in general. Most writers do.

I didn't mention. I have a Nikon film camera that had been sitting in my closet for quite sometime. After taking many pictures with my phone, I decided to perhaps move on to bigger better things.

I ended up breaking the battery compartment "door". I'm pissed. I had to send it off to be repaired at the camera store on 10th and main. I hope they can fix the fucker for me, and I hope I don't break it again.

Algebra time.

Morning

2008-09-15T10:53:00.006-04:00

I feel bad. Not as bad as whale shit at the bottom of the ocean, but still bad.

I have to get back to routine. Class. Work. Pace. Eat. Sleep. Keep up with this fucking blog.

I really should have stayed in West Virginia. Something happened there that kept me in a good mood. I think I know what it was.

I always had something interesting to do.

Now I'm back in my town which is much like a dismal black hole. I'm sucked in. I know others are too.

I get my Algebra test results back today. I also work tonight. I hope I find more spiders to put in people's desks. Work is boring. More-so monotonous.

Mountain State

2008-09-14T18:13:00.019-04:00

So here are some pictures from my trip. I
apologize for quality because I used my
camera phone.

Hanging around downtown.

Some hardcore band playing in a park.

Yum.

The Capital

My Father always used to tell me this story
about my Grandfather. In the depression era
obviously money was short in his life and others.
Yet when the depression was existing, constructors
were contracted to put gold leaf on top of the
capital building, even though there were the
poor surrounding the neighborhood.

Then we went to the market.

Bees.

I was highly interested in the albino pumpkins. I
ended up getting a little orange pumpkin for a dollar.

The trip seemed to go well. I did have a good time. I have pumpkin flavored fudge right now which interests me. I wish I didn't have to come home quite yet. Depression setting in.

There was horrible news though. Keith Olbermann will no longer be anchoring for MSNBC. This is pretty disappointing, because he was the only reason I watched MSNBC. What a bunch of dicks.

Greg Ginn

2008-09-12T10:53:00.002-04:00

So last night I went on over to the White Hart. It's a pretty nice place. I met Greg Ginn, shook his hand. I would have geeked and went on and on about Black Flag, but I'm sure he gets that all the time. I mainly passed on a message from Curt who owns the Dust Warehouse venue in Charlottesville, VA. He really wanted them to come play a show there.

The new music was good. Kinda soundscape-y. All the musicians were very talented.

All-in-all, it was a good night. I have a test to tend to now though, so I will have to leave it at that.

Greg Ginn in Lynchburg

2008-09-11T10:49:00.005-04:00

Exciting news: Greg Ginn is playing in his two bands tonight at the White Hart in Lynchburg, VA. To be honest, this is the most amazing thing to happen to Lynchburg since Jerry Falwell died [ha ha].

I might go if my anxiety doesn't get in the way. I have friends who are interested, so hopefully they'll come with.

Today is an okay day. I have an Algebra test to study for. Tomorrow I will have to take it. Afterwards I'm getting my oil changed and tire pressure checked before I go to West Virginia.

I feel old.

Upswing

2008-09-10T10:49:00.002-04:00

I hope someday soon to write more about something other than myself.

I am feeling better today. It's more easier to stay positive about everything, even though inside I'm kind of a mess.

Good news though, there might be a Charleston, WV trip soon. This may involve pictures. This trip though could not happen, so I'm trying to not get my hopes up.

I have psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I want to cut out some of these drugs. I think they're worthless. He thinks it's a bad idea.

I have work tonight. Hopefully I won't feel the urge to put spiders in a certain person's desk.

Change

2008-09-09T10:47:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I wish I was someone else. Maybe someone somewhere else, living a completely different life than I'm living now.

I am tired of being sick. I am tired of the medications.

But this is all I have for the moment, and I can't bitch and moan about it. This is my life, and no one can change my life but me, sadly. Not even the people I am hurting.

I am determined to take my life back. I won't let this illness suck me down any longer. This black hole is clutching me, and I am willing to break free from it.

I convince myself, "Today will be a good day. I will be able to succeed in the things I do. I will be able to cope with the stresses handed to me." I repeat this to myself. I don't know if it's true. Maybe saying it will make it true.

I do feel a little better today. Maybe repetition is working.

I smoked so much the lining to my lungs are inflamed. I use an inhaler now. I blame it on stress, even though I'm in denial and want to say it's depression. Both go hand in hand, I guess. I'm cutting back on smoking or at least attempting to.

Birthdays

2008-09-08T10:56:00.002-04:00

My man's birthday was yesterday. Happy Birthday to him.

Today is a decent day. School. Same stuff as always. I work tonight.

I might be getting a raise at work soon considering the prior employee made about $80 a week. I'm barely getting by with $40 or so. I'm a great custodian too, if I do say so myself. I think I deserve a raise.

I want a cigarette badly.